Elderly Couple Dresses Up For Trip To Denny's

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Vol 37 Issue 24

Street-Smart Teen Dies In Library

CHICAGO–Street-smart teen Larry Witherspoon was found dead Monday at the Michigan Avenue branch of the Chicago Public Library, his urban know-how useless to him in the unfamiliar environment. "Unfortunately, the skills Larry had developed on the mean streets of Chicago's South Side did him no good in a place like this," librarian Mary Ross said. "Hypothetically, he could have located a book on library survival skills, had he known what the Dewey Decimal system was and how to use it."

Dodgers' Playoff Hopes Dashed Following Acquisition Of Belly Itcher

LOS ANGELES–Trailing the first-place Arizona Diamondbacks by three games in the National League West, the Los Angeles Dodgers dealt their own playoff chances a major blow Monday when they acquired belly itcher Shane Lesko from the Montreal Expos. "They're done for," said an unnamed NL general manager following the deal. "The Dodgers could have put themselves in terrific position for the stretch run by signing one more pitcher, but instead, they go and sign this guy." The general manager called it the worst move since the New York Mets' June 10 trade of pitcher John Franco to the Houston Astros for a glass of water.

The Missing Intern

Four months after her disappearance, the search continues for Chandra Levy, the 24-year-old intern who had an affair with Rep. Gary Condit (D-CA). What do you think?

The New Planet Of The Apes

Hitting theaters July 27, Planet Of The Apes, Tim Burton's update of the 1968 classic, is generating major buzz. What are people saying about the new film?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Late Night

Elderly Couple Dresses Up For Trip To Denny's

VERO BEACH, FL–Wishing to look nice for their evening out, Vero Beach retirees Abe and Bernice Wanamaker dressed up Monday for dinner at a local Denny's. "I think I'm going to put on my light-blue slacks before we go," said Abe, taking off the shorts he'd been wearing all afternoon while sitting in the backyard. "And the brown Hush Puppies." Bernice chose to wear her good yellow dress, which she had not worn since a March 22 trip to Lums.

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