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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Elderly Dog Can Already Tell Owner Doesn’t Think She’s Worth $3,000 Gallstone Surgery

TOPEKA, KS—Saying that she could tell he had already made the mental calculation based on the hesitant tone in his voice, local dog Ruby confirmed that her owner does not consider her to be worth the $3,000 necessary to treat her gallstone condition, the 12-year-old golden retriever reported Wednesday. “Once he heard the cost of the surgery and asked the vet how sure he was that the procedure would even work, the writing was pretty much on the wall,” said Ruby, who recalled how it took her owner a week last fall to decide she was worth the $500 to have a benign growth removed. “I know he cares about me, but the fact that he keeps patting my belly and telling me we’ve had some great times together certainly isn’t encouraging. Plus, he can’t even make eye contact with me right now, which is definitely not good news.” At press time, Ruby was wincing as her owner told the veterinarian that an ultrasound was not going to be needed.

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