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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.
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Elderly Man Can’t Wait For Senility To Erase Lifetime Of Regretful Memories

CLEARWATER, FL—Having in recent years noticed the gradual decline in his mental function, local retiree James Latham, 83, told reporters Tuesday that he is eagerly waiting for his encroaching senility to erase a lifetime’s worth of bitter memories. “I’ve got regrets I’ve been dwelling on every single day for 50, 60, even 70 years, so it’s going to be really nice when dementia finally runs that stuff out the door once and for all,” Latham said, expressing hope that the impending deterioration of the brain structures responsible for memory would spare him from contemplating the unrequited loves, unfulfilled aspirations, and dissolved friendships that have haunted him decade after decade. “I can already barely remember the details of my numerous unsuccessful businesses, and the other day, I completely forgot why it is that my son refuses to speak to me. Why, even now, I can’t come up with the name of that pretty girl in my old apartment building who I never worked up the courage to talk to—yeah, this is going to be fantastic.” At press time, Latham was sitting nude on a park bench, soiling himself as he vividly recalled every agonizing detail of his second failed marriage.

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