adBlockCheck

Elderly Man Can’t Wait For Senility To Erase Lifetime Of Regretful Memories

Top Headlines

Recent News

360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Elderly Man Can’t Wait For Senility To Erase Lifetime Of Regretful Memories

CLEARWATER, FL—Having in recent years noticed the gradual decline in his mental function, local retiree James Latham, 83, told reporters Tuesday that he is eagerly waiting for his encroaching senility to erase a lifetime’s worth of bitter memories. “I’ve got regrets I’ve been dwelling on every single day for 50, 60, even 70 years, so it’s going to be really nice when dementia finally runs that stuff out the door once and for all,” Latham said, expressing hope that the impending deterioration of the brain structures responsible for memory would spare him from contemplating the unrequited loves, unfulfilled aspirations, and dissolved friendships that have haunted him decade after decade. “I can already barely remember the details of my numerous unsuccessful businesses, and the other day, I completely forgot why it is that my son refuses to speak to me. Why, even now, I can’t come up with the name of that pretty girl in my old apartment building who I never worked up the courage to talk to—yeah, this is going to be fantastic.” At press time, Latham was sitting nude on a park bench, soiling himself as he vividly recalled every agonizing detail of his second failed marriage.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close