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Elderly Man Can’t Wait For Senility To Erase Lifetime Of Regretful Memories

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NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

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MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

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Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

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Elderly Man Can’t Wait For Senility To Erase Lifetime Of Regretful Memories

CLEARWATER, FL—Having in recent years noticed the gradual decline in his mental function, local retiree James Latham, 83, told reporters Tuesday that he is eagerly waiting for his encroaching senility to erase a lifetime’s worth of bitter memories. “I’ve got regrets I’ve been dwelling on every single day for 50, 60, even 70 years, so it’s going to be really nice when dementia finally runs that stuff out the door once and for all,” Latham said, expressing hope that the impending deterioration of the brain structures responsible for memory would spare him from contemplating the unrequited loves, unfulfilled aspirations, and dissolved friendships that have haunted him decade after decade. “I can already barely remember the details of my numerous unsuccessful businesses, and the other day, I completely forgot why it is that my son refuses to speak to me. Why, even now, I can’t come up with the name of that pretty girl in my old apartment building who I never worked up the courage to talk to—yeah, this is going to be fantastic.” At press time, Latham was sitting nude on a park bench, soiling himself as he vividly recalled every agonizing detail of his second failed marriage.

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