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A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

What You Need To Know About The Trump Administration’s Ties To Russia

New revelations from the U.S. intelligence community about potentially illegal communications between members of the Trump administration and Russian officials, which led to Michael Flynn resigning as national security advisor Monday, have increased calls for a wider investigation of Trump’s murky ties to Russia. Here’s what you need to know.

A Timeline Of Valentine’s Day History

Every February, people across the world engage in romantic traditions with their loved ones in celebration of Valentine’s Day. The Onion provides a timeline of the holiday’s inception and evolution:
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Elderly Man Can’t Wait For Senility To Erase Lifetime Of Regretful Memories

CLEARWATER, FL—Having in recent years noticed the gradual decline in his mental function, local retiree James Latham, 83, told reporters Tuesday that he is eagerly waiting for his encroaching senility to erase a lifetime’s worth of bitter memories. “I’ve got regrets I’ve been dwelling on every single day for 50, 60, even 70 years, so it’s going to be really nice when dementia finally runs that stuff out the door once and for all,” Latham said, expressing hope that the impending deterioration of the brain structures responsible for memory would spare him from contemplating the unrequited loves, unfulfilled aspirations, and dissolved friendships that have haunted him decade after decade. “I can already barely remember the details of my numerous unsuccessful businesses, and the other day, I completely forgot why it is that my son refuses to speak to me. Why, even now, I can’t come up with the name of that pretty girl in my old apartment building who I never worked up the courage to talk to—yeah, this is going to be fantastic.” At press time, Latham was sitting nude on a park bench, soiling himself as he vividly recalled every agonizing detail of his second failed marriage.

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Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

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