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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Elderly Man Hailed As Alert

AVONDALE, AZ—Seeing him this weekend for the first time since the holidays, the family of local widower Gene Riggs spoke glowingly of the 87-year-old, hailing him as alert and aware of what was going on around him. “It was fantastic. He really seemed with-it, like he was following the conversation,” Riggs’ granddaughter Michelle Traeger said of the elderly man, who received great acclaim for the level of lucidity he displayed both during and after dinner, when relatives sat him down to watch the end of the Diamondbacks game. “And anytime we said something to him, he perked up and seemed to know exactly who we were and what we were talking about. Such a treat to see Grandpa Gene so responsive.” Laudatory family members went on to lavishly praise the octogenarian’s ability to “just keep going on” after so many years.

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