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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.
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Elderly Man Hailed As Alert

AVONDALE, AZ—Seeing him this weekend for the first time since the holidays, the family of local widower Gene Riggs spoke glowingly of the 87-year-old, hailing him as alert and aware of what was going on around him. “It was fantastic. He really seemed with-it, like he was following the conversation,” Riggs’ granddaughter Michelle Traeger said of the elderly man, who received great acclaim for the level of lucidity he displayed both during and after dinner, when relatives sat him down to watch the end of the Diamondbacks game. “And anytime we said something to him, he perked up and seemed to know exactly who we were and what we were talking about. Such a treat to see Grandpa Gene so responsive.” Laudatory family members went on to lavishly praise the octogenarian’s ability to “just keep going on” after so many years.

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