adBlockCheck

Elderly Man Silently Wages War Against Pharmacy

Top Headlines

Business

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

McDonald’s Announces New Spearmint After-Dinner Big Mac

OAK BROOK, IL—Calling the new menu item a cool, refreshing way for consumers to finish their meals, McDonald’s officials introduced the Spearmint After-Dinner Big Mac during a press event Tuesday at the company’s corporate headquarters.

NicoDerm Introduces New Nicotine Eye Patch

PHILADELPHIA—Praising the product as an effective and convenient means of helping individuals quit smoking, pharmaceutical manufacturer GlaxoSmithKline announced Wednesday the release of its new NicoDerm eye patch.

Disney World Opens New Ordeal Kingdom For Family Meltdowns

BAY LAKE, FL—Touting the new property’s wide variety of unique and imaginative attractions, representatives from the Walt Disney World Resort announced Monday the opening of Ordeal Kingdom, a new theme park specifically designed for full-scale family meltdowns.

Boss Wants Friendly, Relaxed Company Culture In Place By Friday

SAN MATEO, CA—Warning of severe consequences if he didn’t see results, Pantheon Digital Consulting COO Daniel Abelson, 59, told employees Monday he wants a relaxed, friendly company culture implemented by the end of the week, sources within the organization confirmed.

Coca-Cola Marketing Strategist Named New United States PR Laureate

WASHINGTON—In a ceremony at the White House this morning in which his work was praised for its unique contributions to the art of corporate communications, Coca-Cola marketing strategist Lawrence Shaffer was officially appointed as the new PR laureate of the United States, sources confirmed.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Holidays

Nightlife

Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Elderly Man Silently Wages War Against Pharmacy

AKRON, OH—Local retiree Gerald Stennis, 87, has been waging a silent war against the Copley Road Walgreens for the past two months, family members told reporters Monday.

Stennis stands before the object of his anger.

"I don't know what his problem is," daughter Lily Bergeron said. "Every time he goes in for his medicine, there's some kind of incident. Going to Walgreens used to be the highlight of his week, because the pharmacists all love him, but lately that's all changed. Last week, he knocked over a candy display. The store manager said he saw Dad kicking the candy bars down the aisle, even though he flatly denies it. I just know he's doing it on purpose."

Stennis has refused to explain his behavior, denying that there is any feud between himself and Walgreens.

"When I ask him what's going on between him and the pharmacy, he acts like I'm being crazy," Bergeron said. "That doesn't stop him from taking the manager's reserved parking spot every time he drives over there. He never did that until two months ago, so you can tell something is fishy."

Stennis' friends seem equally mystified by his strange vendetta.

"I don't know what's going on," said longtime friend Ed Bollinger, 81. "All I know is that when it's rainy, he makes a point to not wipe his feet on the mats and tracks mud all over their nice floors. If Gerry hadn't been a loyal customer for the past 15 years, I don't think they'd put up with his shenanigans."

Theories regarding the source of Stennis' feud with the pharmacy vary.

"Dad got the wrong medication a few months ago," Bergeron said. "But the pharmacist himself called to tell us they'd made a mistake before Dad even got home. They even sent someone to our house to make the switch. Dad was pretty steamed over that, but that's no reason for him to keep peeling the price tags off the vitamin bottles. It has to be something else."

Bollinger said Stennis may be protesting certain store decisions.

"Gerry's been complaining more and more about the Walgreens," Bollinger said. "He's been upset ever since they stopped stocking Tetley iced tea [in 1998]. But I think the final straw was when Rosalita, his favorite cashier, got fired. That was six months ago, but I think he considered it a real slap in the face."

Because Stennis has been known to harbor a temper, some family members suspect that the grudge arose from an argument with an employee.

"Lily asked me to stop in to find out if Dad had picked a fight with the manager or something," son Ryan Stennis said. "Everyone at the store seemed genuinely surprised that there were any ill feelings. Apparently, this battle Dad is fighting is completely one-sided, and he won't say what the hell is going on."

To date, Stennis' war against the pharmacy has largely consisted of petty acts of sabotage, but his daughter fears that escalation may be imminent.

"Dad's a stubborn guy," Bergeron said. "Right now, he's just doing stuff like knocking over displays and asking stock boys to see if they have any cherry-flavored Metamucil in the back and then walking out before they return. I'm just worried that one day he'll do something crazy, like pull the fire alarm."

Though Walgreens expressed an eagerness to make peace, no resolution appears to be forthcoming.

"If something is bothering Mr. Stennis, I'd be more than happy to discuss it with him," Walgreens manager Marianne Krieg said. "He's a valued customer. However, we are unsure how to make the first step toward peace, since no one has any clue what we did to upset him."

Added Krieg: "And I sure as heck would like him to stop opening the tennis-ball cans, so we don't have to call the police or ban him from the store."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close