adBlockCheck

Business

The iPhone Turns 10

A decade ago today, Apple released the iPhone and revolutionized the way humans use technology. Here’s a look back at the evolution of the iPhone:

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.

Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Helpful Man Saves Woman Effort Of Telling Idea To Boss Herself

ATLANTA—In an unprompted act of generosity from one coworker to another, Spryte Logistics employee Ben Graham reportedly took the initiative to share one of Emily Fehrman’s ideas with their boss on Friday, saving her the time and effort of doing it herself.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.

It Kind Of Sweet CEO Thinks He Doing Good Job

SEATTLE—Admitting that the sight of him laying out his vision for the company was pretty endearing, employees at Rainier Solutions reported Monday that it was kind of sweet that CEO Greg Warner thinks he is doing a good job.
End Of Section
  • More News

Elderly Man Silently Wages War Against Pharmacy

AKRON, OH—Local retiree Gerald Stennis, 87, has been waging a silent war against the Copley Road Walgreens for the past two months, family members told reporters Monday.

Stennis stands before the object of his anger.

"I don't know what his problem is," daughter Lily Bergeron said. "Every time he goes in for his medicine, there's some kind of incident. Going to Walgreens used to be the highlight of his week, because the pharmacists all love him, but lately that's all changed. Last week, he knocked over a candy display. The store manager said he saw Dad kicking the candy bars down the aisle, even though he flatly denies it. I just know he's doing it on purpose."

Stennis has refused to explain his behavior, denying that there is any feud between himself and Walgreens.

"When I ask him what's going on between him and the pharmacy, he acts like I'm being crazy," Bergeron said. "That doesn't stop him from taking the manager's reserved parking spot every time he drives over there. He never did that until two months ago, so you can tell something is fishy."

Stennis' friends seem equally mystified by his strange vendetta.

"I don't know what's going on," said longtime friend Ed Bollinger, 81. "All I know is that when it's rainy, he makes a point to not wipe his feet on the mats and tracks mud all over their nice floors. If Gerry hadn't been a loyal customer for the past 15 years, I don't think they'd put up with his shenanigans."

Theories regarding the source of Stennis' feud with the pharmacy vary.

"Dad got the wrong medication a few months ago," Bergeron said. "But the pharmacist himself called to tell us they'd made a mistake before Dad even got home. They even sent someone to our house to make the switch. Dad was pretty steamed over that, but that's no reason for him to keep peeling the price tags off the vitamin bottles. It has to be something else."

Bollinger said Stennis may be protesting certain store decisions.

"Gerry's been complaining more and more about the Walgreens," Bollinger said. "He's been upset ever since they stopped stocking Tetley iced tea [in 1998]. But I think the final straw was when Rosalita, his favorite cashier, got fired. That was six months ago, but I think he considered it a real slap in the face."

Because Stennis has been known to harbor a temper, some family members suspect that the grudge arose from an argument with an employee.

"Lily asked me to stop in to find out if Dad had picked a fight with the manager or something," son Ryan Stennis said. "Everyone at the store seemed genuinely surprised that there were any ill feelings. Apparently, this battle Dad is fighting is completely one-sided, and he won't say what the hell is going on."

To date, Stennis' war against the pharmacy has largely consisted of petty acts of sabotage, but his daughter fears that escalation may be imminent.

"Dad's a stubborn guy," Bergeron said. "Right now, he's just doing stuff like knocking over displays and asking stock boys to see if they have any cherry-flavored Metamucil in the back and then walking out before they return. I'm just worried that one day he'll do something crazy, like pull the fire alarm."

Though Walgreens expressed an eagerness to make peace, no resolution appears to be forthcoming.

"If something is bothering Mr. Stennis, I'd be more than happy to discuss it with him," Walgreens manager Marianne Krieg said. "He's a valued customer. However, we are unsure how to make the first step toward peace, since no one has any clue what we did to upset him."

Added Krieg: "And I sure as heck would like him to stop opening the tennis-ball cans, so we don't have to call the police or ban him from the store."

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close