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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Elderly Man Skipping Work Uses 'Dead Grandson' Excuse Again

SARATOGA, FL—Arousing the suspicions of his boss, senior fry-cook Harold Mason, 72, cited the death of yet another grandchild in order to leave work early Thursday. Records showed that Mason has already missed 12 days of work this year, six of which were marked as sick days, and the remainder as funeral services for his late grandchildren, Johnny, Timmy, Susie, Bobby, Ricky, Johnny, and Harold, Jr. "I'm beginning to think he just likes taking a long weekend," said manager Jason Holmes, adding that the Korean War veteran's decedents have a way of dying on inventory days. "I don't know who he spends his time off with, anyway. His wife died last year on his birthday." Holmes went on to say that if Mason doesn't start taking his job at Sonic seriously, he will probably be demoted back to roller-skate waiter.

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