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Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Elderly Man Skipping Work Uses 'Dead Grandson' Excuse Again

SARATOGA, FL—Arousing the suspicions of his boss, senior fry-cook Harold Mason, 72, cited the death of yet another grandchild in order to leave work early Thursday. Records showed that Mason has already missed 12 days of work this year, six of which were marked as sick days, and the remainder as funeral services for his late grandchildren, Johnny, Timmy, Susie, Bobby, Ricky, Johnny, and Harold, Jr. "I'm beginning to think he just likes taking a long weekend," said manager Jason Holmes, adding that the Korean War veteran's decedents have a way of dying on inventory days. "I don't know who he spends his time off with, anyway. His wife died last year on his birthday." Holmes went on to say that if Mason doesn't start taking his job at Sonic seriously, he will probably be demoted back to roller-skate waiter.

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