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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Elderly Woman to Teeter, Quiver

NORMAN, OK—Eunice Stephens, 89, announced Monday her intentions to both teeter and quiver this week. According to Stephens, she will most likely teeter when walking up and down stairs, swaying slightly to the right, then correcting herself by over-compensating to the left. “As for quivering, I will do that when talking to people and when putting on my glasses,” Stephens said. “I am also considering quivering when lifting my tea cup to my mouth.” Stephens’s five children, all of whom live at great distances and only speak to her on birthdays and holidays, were unable to attend the press conference.

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