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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Elderly Woman to Teeter, Quiver

NORMAN, OK—Eunice Stephens, 89, announced Monday her intentions to both teeter and quiver this week. According to Stephens, she will most likely teeter when walking up and down stairs, swaying slightly to the right, then correcting herself by over-compensating to the left. “As for quivering, I will do that when talking to people and when putting on my glasses,” Stephens said. “I am also considering quivering when lifting my tea cup to my mouth.” Stephens’s five children, all of whom live at great distances and only speak to her on birthdays and holidays, were unable to attend the press conference.

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