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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Elderly Woman to Teeter, Quiver

NORMAN, OK—Eunice Stephens, 89, announced Monday her intentions to both teeter and quiver this week. According to Stephens, she will most likely teeter when walking up and down stairs, swaying slightly to the right, then correcting herself by over-compensating to the left. “As for quivering, I will do that when talking to people and when putting on my glasses,” Stephens said. “I am also considering quivering when lifting my tea cup to my mouth.” Stephens’s five children, all of whom live at great distances and only speak to her on birthdays and holidays, were unable to attend the press conference.

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