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Politics

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.
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Election Day Guide

Tuesday is Election Day. Here are some pointers to keep in mind when heading to the polls:

Election Day Guide


  • If at all possible, vote before work. That way, you can make smug comments to non-voters all day long.
  • The new electronic voting machines are complicated. But don't worry: Octogenarians will be on hand to troubleshoot any technological problems that might arise.
  • If your election official hooks you up to a machine via a needle in your arm, you are actually donating blood.
  • Tip for those on the go: Voting a straight ticket can save you up to 15 seconds.
  • Remember that, as a member of a participatory democracy, you have a duty to make your voice heard on Election Day. If you find that idea hard to grasp, think of it like the lotto: You can't win if you don't play.
  • Don't wear dress shoes. They leave black scuff marks on gymnasium floors.
  • Voting is no longer considered uncool. Note that it is not cool, either.
  • Many newspapers offer sample ballots. Buy 10 copies and practice, practice, practice.
  • Remember to vote, or P. Diddy will kill you.
  • This is one of the most important elections in recent times, so it's best if you just leave it up to the pros.
  • When voting, you don't need to dress up in a scary costume or hand out candy. That happens two days earlier.
  • You might think it's funny, but it's disrespectful to submit write-in candidates like "Don Knotts," "Mickey Mouse," or "Michael Badnarik."
  • Remember to take the day off to vote. And the day before, to psyche up. And the morning after, to dry out.
  • If you are black and a resident of Florida, work out two or three alternate routes to your polling place to avoid police checkpoints.
  • The most important thing is to vote your conscience.
  • Okay, this is your conscience speaking: "Vote Nader. Vo-o-o-o-ote Nader."
  • If you are a Flintstone, make sure to put the granite slab arrows-first into the dinosaur's mouth.
  • If you live in Florida, for Christ's sake, look at the ballot very, very carefully this time.
  • Education is the issue Americans say is most important. Find someone with one of those to read the ballot to you.
  • Keep in mind that the name of every person who votes against George Bush is going to be read aloud on television the next time we're attacked by terrorists.
  • If you don't know where the polling place is in your district, just try to remember the ugliest, dingiest, most depressing building in a three-mile radius. That's probably it.

What To Bring
Remember to bring proper identification to the polls.
This can be:

  • Driver's license or your chauffeur
  • Passport and photos of your boyfriend in Paris
  • SuperVoter discount card
  • Note from president
  • Proof that your grandfather voted
  • Retinal scan or your alderman's retinas
  • Two Iraqi scalps
  • Receipt for your shoes
  • Videotape of your first steps
  • Halliburton employee ID
  • Birthday card from grandmother
  • Pint of sperm for DNA-identification purposes
  • Casserole dish to pass
  • A good friend who can totally vouch for you
  • Signed $20 bill
  • Autographed celebrity photo inscribed with your name

More from this section

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

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