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Election Day Guide

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Politics

How The GOP Plans To Stop Trump

In response to Donald Trump’s growing presidential primary lead, here’s how Republican Party leaders are ramping up efforts to prevent him from getting enough delegates to win the nomination outright.

It Unclear Why Thousands Of Loud, Chanting Trump Supporters Gathering Outside Arena In Iowa

‘There’s No Event Here, But They Keep Coming,’ Say Concerned Stadium Staff

DES MOINES, IA—Noting that the Republican presidential candidate had not announced any plans to visit Iowa since the state held its caucus 11 weeks ago, baffled sources reported Wednesday that it remains unclear why thousands of loud, cheering Donald Trump supporters are gathering outside the Wells Fargo Arena in Des Moines.

Obama Caught Trying To Jump White House Fence

WASHINGTON—The White House was briefly placed on lockdown Friday morning after “an addled and emotionally distraught” President Obama was reportedly caught trying to scale the North Lawn fence, the third such attempt this year, Secret Service officials confirmed.

FBI Convinces George Clooney To Wear Wire During Clinton Fundraising Dinner

SAN FRANCISCO—In an effort to gather evidence in their investigation of the presidential candidate’s alleged misuse of her private email server when she served as secretary of state, members of the FBI reportedly convinced actor George Clooney to wear a hidden listening device Friday night while attending a campaign fundraising dinner with Hillary Clinton.

The Pros And Cons Of Voter ID Laws

Many states are pushing for stricter voter identification policies at the polls, while critics argue such requirements are unconstitutional and used as a means of voter suppression. Here are some pros and cons of voter ID laws.

Shimmering Immaculate Republican Candidate Appears Before GOP Officials

‘It’s Him,’ Stunned Conservative Leaders Mutter

WASHINGTON—Explaining how they froze in place and stared up at the miraculous vision in rapt wonder, members of the Republican Party leadership reported that the shimmering image of an immaculate, ideal GOP presidential candidate appeared before them for a brief moment Friday and hovered in front of the party’s headquarters in Washington.

Trump Catches Self Briefly Believing Own Campaign Rhetoric

‘Whoa, That Was Scary For A Second There,’ Says Candidate

BETHPAGE, NY—Admitting that he was overcome with terror after realizing what he had done, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump told reporters he caught himself briefly believing his own campaign rhetoric during a rally Wednesday night.

Cow Ted Cruz Milking In Wisconsin Photo Op Only Giving Curdled, Foul Liquid

ALMA, WI—Saying the putrid stench of rancid dairy had caused numerous onlookers to gag and rush out of the barn, sources at Noll’s Family Farm confirmed Monday that only a thin stream of curdled, spoiled liquid was emerging from the cow that Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz was attempting to milk during a campaign photo op.

How A Contested Convention Would Work

With the Republican Party potentially headed to its convention without a clear-cut presidential nominee, The Onion answers common questions about how a contested convention would work.

Advisors Tell Trump, Cruz To Stick To Just Attacking All Women In General

JANESVILLE, WI—Attempting to reduce the negative publicity generated by their candidates’ recent attacks on each other’s wives, top campaign advisors reportedly instructed Republican presidential hopefuls Donald Trump and Ted Cruz in private meetings Monday to stick to just attacking all women in general, sources confirmed.
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Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

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Election Day Guide

Tuesday is Election Day. Here are some pointers to keep in mind when heading to the polls:

Election Day Guide


  • If at all possible, vote before work. That way, you can make smug comments to non-voters all day long.
  • The new electronic voting machines are complicated. But don't worry: Octogenarians will be on hand to troubleshoot any technological problems that might arise.
  • If your election official hooks you up to a machine via a needle in your arm, you are actually donating blood.
  • Tip for those on the go: Voting a straight ticket can save you up to 15 seconds.
  • Remember that, as a member of a participatory democracy, you have a duty to make your voice heard on Election Day. If you find that idea hard to grasp, think of it like the lotto: You can't win if you don't play.
  • Don't wear dress shoes. They leave black scuff marks on gymnasium floors.
  • Voting is no longer considered uncool. Note that it is not cool, either.
  • Many newspapers offer sample ballots. Buy 10 copies and practice, practice, practice.
  • Remember to vote, or P. Diddy will kill you.
  • This is one of the most important elections in recent times, so it's best if you just leave it up to the pros.
  • When voting, you don't need to dress up in a scary costume or hand out candy. That happens two days earlier.
  • You might think it's funny, but it's disrespectful to submit write-in candidates like "Don Knotts," "Mickey Mouse," or "Michael Badnarik."
  • Remember to take the day off to vote. And the day before, to psyche up. And the morning after, to dry out.
  • If you are black and a resident of Florida, work out two or three alternate routes to your polling place to avoid police checkpoints.
  • The most important thing is to vote your conscience.
  • Okay, this is your conscience speaking: "Vote Nader. Vo-o-o-o-ote Nader."
  • If you are a Flintstone, make sure to put the granite slab arrows-first into the dinosaur's mouth.
  • If you live in Florida, for Christ's sake, look at the ballot very, very carefully this time.
  • Education is the issue Americans say is most important. Find someone with one of those to read the ballot to you.
  • Keep in mind that the name of every person who votes against George Bush is going to be read aloud on television the next time we're attacked by terrorists.
  • If you don't know where the polling place is in your district, just try to remember the ugliest, dingiest, most depressing building in a three-mile radius. That's probably it.

What To Bring
Remember to bring proper identification to the polls.
This can be:

  • Driver's license or your chauffeur
  • Passport and photos of your boyfriend in Paris
  • SuperVoter discount card
  • Note from president
  • Proof that your grandfather voted
  • Retinal scan or your alderman's retinas
  • Two Iraqi scalps
  • Receipt for your shoes
  • Videotape of your first steps
  • Halliburton employee ID
  • Birthday card from grandmother
  • Pint of sperm for DNA-identification purposes
  • Casserole dish to pass
  • A good friend who can totally vouch for you
  • Signed $20 bill
  • Autographed celebrity photo inscribed with your name

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