Election Day Guide

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Vol 40 Issue 43

Assistant Uses Cake To Smuggle Cake-Decorating Set To Martha Stewart

ALDERSON, WV—Authorities at Alderson Federal Prison have detained Becki Uecker, Martha Stewart's personal assistant, for smuggling a cake-decorating kit to her boss in an almond three-layer cake with lemon-zest icing. "Ms. Uecker attempted to pass a Dessert Decorator Pro to Ms. Stewart during visiting hours," corrections officer Frank Wickler said. "Although this device may be perfect for making stars, leaves, and rosettes, it's considered contraband at a correctional facility." In addition to the frosting gun, the kit included six nickel-plated tips, two tip couplers, and a storage bag.

Detroit Tourism Board's 'Hidden Detroit' Campaign Results In 24 Deaths

DETROIT—The Detroit Tourism Board is scaling back the city-sponsored "Hidden Detroit" program following the deaths of 24 tourists in the past month, city officials announced Monday. "The campaign did draw tourists to historically significant places that usually go unnoticed, like the rough-and-tumble honky-tonks of Ypsilanti and the site of the 1967 riots," tourism board director Lauren Essleman said. "But ultimately, unfolding the free 'Detroit Off The Beaten Path' maps in the middle of the Purple Gang's old turf was not a good idea." Essleman said that, in addition to the 24 tourists, the program resulted in the loss of more than 60 vehicles.

Stock Analysts Confused, Frightened By Boar Market

NEW YORK—Stock analysts on Wall Street fled in terror after being spooked by the rare but deadly boar market that reared its head at closing bell Monday. "I have no idea what to expect," stock analyst Christopher Mattson said. "This market is highly unpredictable—tusked and savage and covered with coarse, bristly hair. I didn't know if I should buy, sell, or shoot." Mattson said he hopes stocks will soon perform again like they did two weeks ago, when brokers were soothed by the graceful movements of a swan market.

Meaning Of Dream Obvious To Everyone Else

SAN FRANCISCO—Although Jennie Wick, 23, cannot make sense of the dream she had Monday evening, its meaning is clear to everyone else, sources reported. "I'm in this waiting room, and I'm screaming at this man dressed all in white who can't hear me," said Wick, who is dating and financially supporting a University of California medical student. "Then, we're at the vending machine, and every time I buy a candy bar, he grabs it. What's up with that?" Wick also failed to grasp what it meant when the man began to have sex with her best friend.

Flu Vaccine Shortage

What are the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention recommending in response to the current flu vaccine shortage?

Boss' Going-Away Party A Little Too Jubilant

AMES, IA—The Oct. 22 office going-away party for Karl Roberts, manager for the past five years at Ames Farm Products Wholesalers, Inc., was "a little too jubilant," the 38-year-old former boss reported Monday.

Republicans Urge Minorities To Get Out And Vote On Nov. 3

MIAMI, FL—With the knowledge that the minority vote will be crucial in the upcoming presidential election, Republican Party officials are urging blacks, Hispanics, and other minorities to make their presence felt at the polls on Wednesday, Nov. 3.
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Election Day Guide

Tuesday is Election Day. Here are some pointers to keep in mind when heading to the polls:

Election Day Guide


  • If at all possible, vote before work. That way, you can make smug comments to non-voters all day long.
  • The new electronic voting machines are complicated. But don't worry: Octogenarians will be on hand to troubleshoot any technological problems that might arise.
  • If your election official hooks you up to a machine via a needle in your arm, you are actually donating blood.
  • Tip for those on the go: Voting a straight ticket can save you up to 15 seconds.
  • Remember that, as a member of a participatory democracy, you have a duty to make your voice heard on Election Day. If you find that idea hard to grasp, think of it like the lotto: You can't win if you don't play.
  • Don't wear dress shoes. They leave black scuff marks on gymnasium floors.
  • Voting is no longer considered uncool. Note that it is not cool, either.
  • Many newspapers offer sample ballots. Buy 10 copies and practice, practice, practice.
  • Remember to vote, or P. Diddy will kill you.
  • This is one of the most important elections in recent times, so it's best if you just leave it up to the pros.
  • When voting, you don't need to dress up in a scary costume or hand out candy. That happens two days earlier.
  • You might think it's funny, but it's disrespectful to submit write-in candidates like "Don Knotts," "Mickey Mouse," or "Michael Badnarik."
  • Remember to take the day off to vote. And the day before, to psyche up. And the morning after, to dry out.
  • If you are black and a resident of Florida, work out two or three alternate routes to your polling place to avoid police checkpoints.
  • The most important thing is to vote your conscience.
  • Okay, this is your conscience speaking: "Vote Nader. Vo-o-o-o-ote Nader."
  • If you are a Flintstone, make sure to put the granite slab arrows-first into the dinosaur's mouth.
  • If you live in Florida, for Christ's sake, look at the ballot very, very carefully this time.
  • Education is the issue Americans say is most important. Find someone with one of those to read the ballot to you.
  • Keep in mind that the name of every person who votes against George Bush is going to be read aloud on television the next time we're attacked by terrorists.
  • If you don't know where the polling place is in your district, just try to remember the ugliest, dingiest, most depressing building in a three-mile radius. That's probably it.

What To Bring
Remember to bring proper identification to the polls.
This can be:

  • Driver's license or your chauffeur
  • Passport and photos of your boyfriend in Paris
  • SuperVoter discount card
  • Note from president
  • Proof that your grandfather voted
  • Retinal scan or your alderman's retinas
  • Two Iraqi scalps
  • Receipt for your shoes
  • Videotape of your first steps
  • Halliburton employee ID
  • Birthday card from grandmother
  • Pint of sperm for DNA-identification purposes
  • Casserole dish to pass
  • A good friend who can totally vouch for you
  • Signed $20 bill
  • Autographed celebrity photo inscribed with your name
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