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Report: Well, Here We Go

WASHINGTON—With Donald Trump’s two remaining GOP rivals suspending their candidacies and clearing a path for the billionaire businessman to assume the Republican presidential nomination, reports indicated Wednesday that, well, hoo boy, here we go.

Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

How The GOP Plans To Stop Trump

In response to Donald Trump’s growing presidential primary lead, here’s how Republican Party leaders are ramping up efforts to prevent him from getting enough delegates to win the nomination outright.

It Unclear Why Thousands Of Loud, Chanting Trump Supporters Gathering Outside Arena In Iowa

‘There’s No Event Here, But They Keep Coming,’ Say Concerned Stadium Staff

DES MOINES, IA—Noting that the Republican presidential candidate had not announced any plans to visit Iowa since the state held its caucus 11 weeks ago, baffled sources reported Wednesday that it remains unclear why thousands of loud, cheering Donald Trump supporters are gathering outside the Wells Fargo Arena in Des Moines.

Obama Caught Trying To Jump White House Fence

WASHINGTON—The White House was briefly placed on lockdown Friday morning after “an addled and emotionally distraught” President Obama was reportedly caught trying to scale the North Lawn fence, the third such attempt this year, Secret Service officials confirmed.

FBI Convinces George Clooney To Wear Wire During Clinton Fundraising Dinner

SAN FRANCISCO—In an effort to gather evidence in their investigation of the presidential candidate’s alleged misuse of her private email server when she served as secretary of state, members of the FBI reportedly convinced actor George Clooney to wear a hidden listening device Friday night while attending a campaign fundraising dinner with Hillary Clinton.

The Pros And Cons Of Voter ID Laws

Many states are pushing for stricter voter identification policies at the polls, while critics argue such requirements are unconstitutional and used as a means of voter suppression. Here are some pros and cons of voter ID laws.

Shimmering Immaculate Republican Candidate Appears Before GOP Officials

‘It’s Him,’ Stunned Conservative Leaders Mutter

WASHINGTON—Explaining how they froze in place and stared up at the miraculous vision in rapt wonder, members of the Republican Party leadership reported that the shimmering image of an immaculate, ideal GOP presidential candidate appeared before them for a brief moment Friday and hovered in front of the party’s headquarters in Washington.

Trump Catches Self Briefly Believing Own Campaign Rhetoric

‘Whoa, That Was Scary For A Second There,’ Says Candidate

BETHPAGE, NY—Admitting that he was overcome with terror after realizing what he had done, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump told reporters he caught himself briefly believing his own campaign rhetoric during a rally Wednesday night.
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Election FAQ

In the days leading up to the Nov. 6 General Election, the Onion political team will answer your common questions about voting. Check back daily for two more responses to voters' most pressing questions.

Why do we have a two-party system?

Yes.

What if nobody voted?

That’s called a tie, dipshit.

How do I vote by absentee ballot?

Find a piece of paper, write down who you want to vote for, and place the piece of paper in a nearby tree. Or, purchase a Diebold AccuVote-TS for $2,964, make your selections, and then mail the electronic voting machine to your county clerk’s office.

Why do we exercise our right to vote?

It’s good to get out of the house once every four years.

How do I find my polling place?

You’re a real mess, aren’t you?

How do I request a ballot?

Don’t you understand? Your ballot was inside you the whole time.

Is my vote kept a secret?

Nah.

How do I fill out a ballot?

How do you make your bed? How do you tie your shoes? What are we, your babysitters?

What if I change my mind after I vote?

Should you change your mind after voting, you may file a formal grievance with your county clerk. If you voted for the winning presidential candidate and now support the loser, your grievance will likely result in the removal of the current president or, depending on the circumstance, will at the very least exempt you from all the laws of the country for the remainder of the sitting president’s term.

Where can I get information about third-party candidates? Why aren’t they included in the debates?

Third-party candidates are not included in debates because they won’t fucking win the election. Happy now?

Am I eligible to vote? How do I register?

It depends on who’s asking. Who is this?

How are the votes counted on election night?

There is a man who counts the votes. His name is Brian Durgess.

Why do we use the electoral college?

We continue to use the electoral college because no one has been able to come up with a simpler or more straightforward way to choose the president of the United States. Think about it: Is there anything more logical or intuitive? Nope.

Where can I find out election results?

Open your window. If you hear gunshots and the wails of starving babies, the other guy won.

Or, if you are Native American, you can smell most state and federal election returns on the wind.

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