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Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Who Is Gary Johnson?

Former New Mexico governor and Libertarian Party presidential candidate Gary Johnson is gaining some traction in the polls as an alternative to the two major-party nominees. Here’s what you need to know about Johnson

What Is The Alt-Right?

A recent speech by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticizing the “alt-right” movement and its support of Republican nominee Donald Trump has shone the national spotlight on the ideologically conservative group. Here’s what you need to know about the alt-right

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know

How Trump Plans To Turn His Campaign Around

As Donald Trump’s poll numbers continue to fall, many wonder how the GOP presidential nominee can turn his campaign around before Election Day. Here are some ways Trump aims to regain his footing
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Election FAQ

In the days leading up to the Nov. 6 General Election, the Onion political team will answer your common questions about voting. Check back daily for two more responses to voters' most pressing questions.

Why do we have a two-party system?

Yes.

What if nobody voted?

That’s called a tie, dipshit.

How do I vote by absentee ballot?

Find a piece of paper, write down who you want to vote for, and place the piece of paper in a nearby tree. Or, purchase a Diebold AccuVote-TS for $2,964, make your selections, and then mail the electronic voting machine to your county clerk’s office.

Why do we exercise our right to vote?

It’s good to get out of the house once every four years.

How do I find my polling place?

You’re a real mess, aren’t you?

How do I request a ballot?

Don’t you understand? Your ballot was inside you the whole time.

Is my vote kept a secret?

Nah.

How do I fill out a ballot?

How do you make your bed? How do you tie your shoes? What are we, your babysitters?

What if I change my mind after I vote?

Should you change your mind after voting, you may file a formal grievance with your county clerk. If you voted for the winning presidential candidate and now support the loser, your grievance will likely result in the removal of the current president or, depending on the circumstance, will at the very least exempt you from all the laws of the country for the remainder of the sitting president’s term.

Where can I get information about third-party candidates? Why aren’t they included in the debates?

Third-party candidates are not included in debates because they won’t fucking win the election. Happy now?

Am I eligible to vote? How do I register?

It depends on who’s asking. Who is this?

How are the votes counted on election night?

There is a man who counts the votes. His name is Brian Durgess.

Why do we use the electoral college?

We continue to use the electoral college because no one has been able to come up with a simpler or more straightforward way to choose the president of the United States. Think about it: Is there anything more logical or intuitive? Nope.

Where can I find out election results?

Open your window. If you hear gunshots and the wails of starving babies, the other guy won.

Or, if you are Native American, you can smell most state and federal election returns on the wind.

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