Election FAQ

Top Headlines


Most Likely Candidates For Trump’s Cabinet

If elected president, Donald Trump will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising him on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Trump’s inner circle.

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.

Trump Complains Entire Personality Rigged Against Him

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Responding to his flagging poll numbers and a string of newspaper editorials and cable news pundits questioning his fitness to lead, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly complained to a rally crowd Thursday that for the entirety of this race, his personality has been rigged against him.

Fact-Checking The Second Presidential Debate

Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump discussed topics including national security, taxes, and their ongoing personal scandals in a contentious town hall presidential debate Sunday. The Onion evaluates the truthfulness of their claims

Trump Vomits Immediately After Seeing Everyday Americans Up Close

ST. LOUIS—His face turning deathly pale and beads of cold sweat forming on his brow as he took his seat for the town hall forum at Washington University, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly vomited directly onto the debate stage Sunday night upon viewing everyday Americans up close.
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Election FAQ

In the days leading up to the Nov. 6 General Election, the Onion political team will answer your common questions about voting. Check back daily for two more responses to voters' most pressing questions.

Why do we have a two-party system?


What if nobody voted?

That’s called a tie, dipshit.

How do I vote by absentee ballot?

Find a piece of paper, write down who you want to vote for, and place the piece of paper in a nearby tree. Or, purchase a Diebold AccuVote-TS for $2,964, make your selections, and then mail the electronic voting machine to your county clerk’s office.

Why do we exercise our right to vote?

It’s good to get out of the house once every four years.

How do I find my polling place?

You’re a real mess, aren’t you?

How do I request a ballot?

Don’t you understand? Your ballot was inside you the whole time.

Is my vote kept a secret?


How do I fill out a ballot?

How do you make your bed? How do you tie your shoes? What are we, your babysitters?

What if I change my mind after I vote?

Should you change your mind after voting, you may file a formal grievance with your county clerk. If you voted for the winning presidential candidate and now support the loser, your grievance will likely result in the removal of the current president or, depending on the circumstance, will at the very least exempt you from all the laws of the country for the remainder of the sitting president’s term.

Where can I get information about third-party candidates? Why aren’t they included in the debates?

Third-party candidates are not included in debates because they won’t fucking win the election. Happy now?

Am I eligible to vote? How do I register?

It depends on who’s asking. Who is this?

How are the votes counted on election night?

There is a man who counts the votes. His name is Brian Durgess.

Why do we use the electoral college?

We continue to use the electoral college because no one has been able to come up with a simpler or more straightforward way to choose the president of the United States. Think about it: Is there anything more logical or intuitive? Nope.

Where can I find out election results?

Open your window. If you hear gunshots and the wails of starving babies, the other guy won.

Or, if you are Native American, you can smell most state and federal election returns on the wind.


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