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Oh Great, Another Woman Who Only Loves Me For My Complete Collection Of ‘Rurouni Kenshin’ Manga

Well isn’t that great—just great. Here I am, thinking I’ve finally met someone who’s perfect for me—she’s caring, smart, beautiful, and most of all, it seemed like she really got me. But I should have known better. Turns out she’s just like the rest of them, just another in a long line of women who only love me for my complete collection of the classic wandering samurai manga Rurouni Kenshin.

Disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings Not Living Up To Ridicule

LOS ANGELES—Describing the experience as a significant letdown, local diner Eric Tidwell told reporters that the disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings franchise he visited Thursday night failed to live up to the scorn he had long heard about the restaurant.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

‘Our Town’ Cast Party Going Off The Rails

PEEKSKILL, NY—Describing a wild scene in which performers and stagehands were loudly conversing, laughing, and occasionally breaking back into their characters from the play, sources confirmed Sunday night that the cast party for the local production of Our Town is currently going off the rails.

Thieves Make Off With Museum’s Most Valuable Docents

CHICAGO—In what is being described as a sophisticated and well-executed heist, thieves stole nine of the Art Institute of Chicago’s most valuable docents in broad daylight this morning, according to museum and law enforcement officials.
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Elegant Funeral Ruined By Presence Of Hideous Corpse

CHICOPEE, MA—An elegant, tasteful funeral, meticulously arranged by an experienced funeral director and attended by more than 200 impeccably dressed guests from across the country, was utterly ruined Monday by the presence of a rotting human corpse.

A horrifying cadaver spoils an otherwise classy funeral.

"It just doesn't make sense," said funeralgoer Emily Timmons, retching at the sight of the 182-pound heap of decaying flesh at the front of the room. "Everything looks so beautiful, but then, right in the middle of it all, there's this disgusting dead body."

In addition to a lovely service at Everson Brothers Funeral Home in Chicopee, the $17,260 affair included a visitation in an elegantly appointed chamber, a parade led by a gleaming white car, and a 30-minute ceremony at Shady Grove Memorial Cemetery. But throughout the proceedings, a pall was cast by the ever-present human carcass.

"It's sick," said Randy Weitz of Sacramento, CA, signing the guest book. "How they could allow this, I'll never know."

From the expensive flowers spread throughout the funeral home to the pair of golden wreaths that greeted attendees at the door, funeral planners spared no expense in their effort to make the event as beautiful as possible. But somehow, they overlooked the presence of the horrible corpse.

The funeral home was decorated in a classy manner, its marble floors waxed to perfection and rows of exquisite plush chairs and couches facing the incredibly nauseating cadaver. Guests were even provided with finely embossed prayer cards to take home, and were encouraged to sign a leather-bound guest book with an expensive pen.

Equally lovely was the eight-foot-long copper-and-black-walnut box with distinctive die-cast detailing and two-tone cover which stood at the front of the room. The silk-cushion-lined box alone, without the color-accented custom-embossed nameplate and silk pillows, cost $3,995 and, according to funeral director Harley T. Everson, is guaranteed to create an airtight seal.

"This model is very traditional, yet graceful," Everson said of the stunning box, whose beauty was shattered by the festering ex-man inexplicably placed inside of it. "Its strong design in solid oak is complemented by crisp white-satin bedding and solid-oak swing-bar handles on both sides and ends, and it is accented with a wooden lock and lid support."

The sight of the body troubled funeral attendees immensely, causing many to break into tears and clutch their loved ones.

"Why?" asked attendee Harold Graham, standing over the terrifying, lifeless body. "Why, oh, why?"

"The flowers, the candles, the people—it could have been such a lovely funeral," said Theresa Dutler of Worcester, MA. "But instead the whole thing was marred by the foul presence of death. It's a shame, is what it is."

More from this section

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

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