Elegant Funeral Ruined By Presence Of Hideous Corpse

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Vol 35 Issue 34

Hot-Rod-Lincoln-Driving Son May Have Contributed To Father's Alcoholism

SAN PEDRO, CA—William Conroy, a 43-year-old San Pedro-area pappy, was driven to alcoholism by his 17-year-old son's reckless Hot Rod Lincoln driving, Conroy's psychologist said Monday. "Over the course of several of therapy sessions with Mr. Conroy, it became clear that he suffered tremendous distress as a result of his son's illegal drag-racing hobby," Dr. Eli Wasserbaum said. "Cody's recent arrest for driving 110 mph was likely the trigger event that prompted William to turn to alcohol." The elder Conroy told Wasserbaum that he "made it perfectly clear" to Cody that he would be driven to drinking if he did not stop driving that Hot Rod Lincoln.

Greenpeace Decides Northern Spotted Owl 'Not Worth The Trouble Anymore'

AMSTERDAM—Citing "organization-wide disinterest in a truly mundane species of bird," Greenpeace announced Monday that it is ending its decades-long fight to save the endangered Northern Spotted Owl. "For some reason, we devoted more than 30 years to trying to save this unspectacular little owl," Greenpeace associate director Tomas Lindstrom said. "But somewhere along the way, I guess we just came to our senses and kind of lost interest." Lindstrom said the environmental group plans to shift its focus to "saving animals that people actually see every once in a while."

Tape Dispensed

PULASKI, TN—A two-inch stretch of 3M Scotch™ adhesive tape was dispensed Monday by a Swingline™ tape dispenser. "I am impressed beyond words by the exemplary performance of this office appliance," said Pulaski-area payroll secretary Julie Glass following the successful tape dispensation. "Less than three seconds after I desired a memorandum affixed to a larger document, the tape was dispensed and the pieces of paper attached to one another. I was barely aware of the dispenser's existence, so smoothly and unobtrusively did it operate."

Reno Orders Investigation Of U.S. Department of Corruption

WASHINGTON, DC—U.S. Attorney General Janet Reno ordered a full-scale investigation of the Department of Corruption Monday in the wake of widespread reports of illegal and improper activity within its ranks. "Over the past 18 months, evidence has surfaced implicating numerous high-ranking Corruption Department officials, including Corruption Secretary John Francona, in acts of bribery, embezzlement, bank fraud, tax evasion and misappropriation of funds," Reno said. The department has also failed to account for much of its spending, including a 1998 allocation of $7 billion for a "widows and orphans fund," for which it has yet to provide financial records.

U.S. Out Of My Uterus vs. We Must Deploy Troops To Jessica Linden's Uterus Immediately

It comes down to one thing: It's my body. Not Uncle Sam's, not Trent Lott's, not Pat Robertson's. Mine. Congress can demand a portion of my income, it can tell me how fast to drive, it can kill killers and anyone else it thinks it must to preserve a free and civil society. But my body—the skin, bones and organs that comprise me—is where the line gets drawn.

She's Probably Sleeping With Him Right Now, Local Man Obsesses

CORVALLIS, OR—Given that she is not at her sister's, aunt's or best friend Erika's, was not at her desk any of the 12 times he phoned her at the office, and does not normally go grocery shopping until the weekend—not to mention the fact that she didn't come to the door either time he rang the doorbell and hid in the bushes, even though her bedroom light was on—area resident Kristin Mulcahy is probably sleeping with that guy at this very moment, local ex-boyfriend Andrew Wallace obsessed Monday.

The Waco Cover-Up

Last week, it was revealed that in 1995, the Justice Department delivered a report to Congress without a page that referred to the FBI's use of an incendiary tear gas during its 1993 assault on the Branch Davidian compound in Waco. What do you think about this rapidly widening scandal?
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Elegant Funeral Ruined By Presence Of Hideous Corpse

CHICOPEE, MA—An elegant, tasteful funeral, meticulously arranged by an experienced funeral director and attended by more than 200 impeccably dressed guests from across the country, was utterly ruined Monday by the presence of a rotting human corpse.

A horrifying cadaver spoils an otherwise classy funeral.

"It just doesn't make sense," said funeralgoer Emily Timmons, retching at the sight of the 182-pound heap of decaying flesh at the front of the room. "Everything looks so beautiful, but then, right in the middle of it all, there's this disgusting dead body."

In addition to a lovely service at Everson Brothers Funeral Home in Chicopee, the $17,260 affair included a visitation in an elegantly appointed chamber, a parade led by a gleaming white car, and a 30-minute ceremony at Shady Grove Memorial Cemetery. But throughout the proceedings, a pall was cast by the ever-present human carcass.

"It's sick," said Randy Weitz of Sacramento, CA, signing the guest book. "How they could allow this, I'll never know."

From the expensive flowers spread throughout the funeral home to the pair of golden wreaths that greeted attendees at the door, funeral planners spared no expense in their effort to make the event as beautiful as possible. But somehow, they overlooked the presence of the horrible corpse.

The funeral home was decorated in a classy manner, its marble floors waxed to perfection and rows of exquisite plush chairs and couches facing the incredibly nauseating cadaver. Guests were even provided with finely embossed prayer cards to take home, and were encouraged to sign a leather-bound guest book with an expensive pen.

Equally lovely was the eight-foot-long copper-and-black-walnut box with distinctive die-cast detailing and two-tone cover which stood at the front of the room. The silk-cushion-lined box alone, without the color-accented custom-embossed nameplate and silk pillows, cost $3,995 and, according to funeral director Harley T. Everson, is guaranteed to create an airtight seal.

"This model is very traditional, yet graceful," Everson said of the stunning box, whose beauty was shattered by the festering ex-man inexplicably placed inside of it. "Its strong design in solid oak is complemented by crisp white-satin bedding and solid-oak swing-bar handles on both sides and ends, and it is accented with a wooden lock and lid support."

The sight of the body troubled funeral attendees immensely, causing many to break into tears and clutch their loved ones.

"Why?" asked attendee Harold Graham, standing over the terrifying, lifeless body. "Why, oh, why?"

"The flowers, the candles, the people—it could have been such a lovely funeral," said Theresa Dutler of Worcester, MA. "But instead the whole thing was marred by the foul presence of death. It's a shame, is what it is."

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