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After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Elementary Schooler Clearly Just Learned To Swear

ALEXANDRIA, LA–Lakeview Elementary School first-grader Ian Schweder has clearly just taken his first steps into the world of swearing, classroom sources reported Monday. "He must've just seen a sweary movie," classmate Caitlin Lorenz said. "He always runs around the playground yelling, 'Fucky fucky shit fuck,' and dirty stuff like that." In the past two days, Schweder has composed a ribald song titled "Shit Shit Boobies," covered three sheets of notebook paper with scatological malediction, and attempted to tell a joke about "a girl who saw a boy's pussy."

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