adBlockCheck

After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
End Of Section
  • More News

Elementary Schoolers Depressed After Getting Look At Voters Filing Out Of Gymnasium

NEWTON, MA—Looking out their classroom windows at the masses of dejected and weary adults throughout the school day, students at Lincoln Eliot Elementary School told reporters this afternoon that they could not help but feel deeply depressed after catching sight of local voters filing out of their school’s gymnasium. “They look so sad,” said second-grader Tyler Quinn, who explained that it made him feel “really bad” to see midterm voters’ frowning faces and tired-looking eyes as they slowly shuffled out of the building’s rear exit and across the school property. “Oh, no. It must be real bad in the gym if they all come out looking like that. I don’t ever want to vote.” At press time, several third-graders were noting that while the sight of the downtrodden voters heading off toward the parking lot was heartbreaking, it was at least a relief to see that there weren’t very many of them.

After Birth

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close