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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Elena Kagan Asked Straight Up: 'You Got What It Takes?'

WASHINGTON—Saying they didn't want to waste any more time dicking around, members of the U.S. Senate began Elena Kagan's Supreme Court confirmation hearing Monday by asking the solicitor general point-blank if she had the goods to join the nation's highest court. "I got your master's thesis in front of me, I got some speeches you made while you were the dean of Harvard Law School, but Kagan, let's cut the shit: You gonna be able to bring it or not?" Sen. Dick Durbin (D-IL) asked the former Clinton policy adviser. "Because the American people deserve a justice who won't crumble like a cupcake and run home to mommy when Second-Amendment-ruling time comes around." After indicating that she was "fucking born ready," Kagan was confirmed in a unanimous 100-0 vote.

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