adBlockCheck

Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
End Of Section
  • More News

Elena Kagan Asked Straight Up: 'You Got What It Takes?'

WASHINGTON—Saying they didn't want to waste any more time dicking around, members of the U.S. Senate began Elena Kagan's Supreme Court confirmation hearing Monday by asking the solicitor general point-blank if she had the goods to join the nation's highest court. "I got your master's thesis in front of me, I got some speeches you made while you were the dean of Harvard Law School, but Kagan, let's cut the shit: You gonna be able to bring it or not?" Sen. Dick Durbin (D-IL) asked the former Clinton policy adviser. "Because the American people deserve a justice who won't crumble like a cupcake and run home to mommy when Second-Amendment-ruling time comes around." After indicating that she was "fucking born ready," Kagan was confirmed in a unanimous 100-0 vote.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close