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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Eli Manning Buys Silly Hat To Make Himself Feel Better

NEW YORK—Following a demoralizing 14-28 loss to the Redskins Sunday in which he threw an interception and no touchdowns, Giants quarterback Eli Manning attempted to cheer himself up with the purchase of an oversized green leprechaun-style top hat. “I like it. It makes me feel better,” Manning told reporters while wearing the large, dopey hat that reportedly cost $24.99 at a local Spencer Gifts. “I knew when I was sacked for a fourth time that it was going to be a hat day. This one made me laugh the most when I saw it, but the hat that looked like a traffic cone was funny too. I’m pretty sure I already have that one, though.” According to sources close to the family, Manning’s father yelled at him for wasting his money on yet another silly hat.

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