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Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Eli Manning: The Grand Fool Of French Cinema

No quarterback's career has alternated more rapidly between stellar, stinking and stupid than New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning. Here we take a look at his more vaunted works, that are having him hailed in France as "the impossible man and the impossible buffoon."

Reposer Sans Paix (Rest Without Peace)
90 minutes of Eli Manning lying on the ground after a sack, contemplating whether to rise again knowing he will only fall.

Grand Yeux Et Pieds De Plomb (Big Eyes And Leaden Feet)
The innocence of Eli Manning is exposed in his lumbering feet, which betray his lofty ideals and notions of athleticism and bring them crashing to the ground.

Eli Manning: Le Pierrot De Football Americain (Eli Manning: The Pierrot Of American Football)
Despite his numerous victories and his ultimate 2008 joy, everyone knows his empty smile masks a sadness beyond his years.

Eli Parcours Le Monde Seul (Eli Travels The World Alone)
He is helped by his offensive line, he is helped by his coaches, he is helped by his brother. Yet he remains alone and incompetent.

Super Bowl XLII
His grand masterpiece, a fumbling display of mediocrity and ineffectiveness gilded with a dazzling firework display of brilliance that merely serves to highlight his inner preposterousness.

Le Clown Est Attaque Par Falcons (The Clown Is Attacked By Falcons)
A seemingly unending cavalcade of Atlanta Falcons rains down on Eli, seemingly infinite, making the hero look the silly jackass. That he attains victory reveals that we are all the fool.

Celui Qui Pleurait (He Who Wept)
When Eli Manning cries on the outside after years of crying inside himself, a stadium is brought to its knees with peels of shrieking laughter. He throws three interceptions, four touchdowns and wins.

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