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Universe Crueler, More Uncaring Place Than Previously Thought

The universe, long known as a bleak and unforgiving place where essentially nothing matters, is in fact even crueler and more heartless than previously thought, according to a startling report published Tuesday by scientists at the Institute for Advanced ...

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Eli Manning: The Grand Fool Of French Cinema

No quarterback's career has alternated more rapidly between stellar, stinking and stupid than New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning. Here we take a look at his more vaunted works, that are having him hailed in France as "the impossible man and the impossible buffoon."

Reposer Sans Paix (Rest Without Peace)
90 minutes of Eli Manning lying on the ground after a sack, contemplating whether to rise again knowing he will only fall.

Grand Yeux Et Pieds De Plomb (Big Eyes And Leaden Feet)
The innocence of Eli Manning is exposed in his lumbering feet, which betray his lofty ideals and notions of athleticism and bring them crashing to the ground.

Eli Manning: Le Pierrot De Football Americain (Eli Manning: The Pierrot Of American Football)
Despite his numerous victories and his ultimate 2008 joy, everyone knows his empty smile masks a sadness beyond his years.

Eli Parcours Le Monde Seul (Eli Travels The World Alone)
He is helped by his offensive line, he is helped by his coaches, he is helped by his brother. Yet he remains alone and incompetent.

Super Bowl XLII
His grand masterpiece, a fumbling display of mediocrity and ineffectiveness gilded with a dazzling firework display of brilliance that merely serves to highlight his inner preposterousness.

Le Clown Est Attaque Par Falcons (The Clown Is Attacked By Falcons)
A seemingly unending cavalcade of Atlanta Falcons rains down on Eli, seemingly infinite, making the hero look the silly jackass. That he attains victory reveals that we are all the fool.

Celui Qui Pleurait (He Who Wept)
When Eli Manning cries on the outside after years of crying inside himself, a stadium is brought to its knees with peels of shrieking laughter. He throws three interceptions, four touchdowns and wins.

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