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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Eli Manning: The Grand Fool Of French Cinema

No quarterback's career has alternated more rapidly between stellar, stinking and stupid than New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning. Here we take a look at his more vaunted works, that are having him hailed in France as "the impossible man and the impossible buffoon."

Reposer Sans Paix (Rest Without Peace)
90 minutes of Eli Manning lying on the ground after a sack, contemplating whether to rise again knowing he will only fall.

Grand Yeux Et Pieds De Plomb (Big Eyes And Leaden Feet)
The innocence of Eli Manning is exposed in his lumbering feet, which betray his lofty ideals and notions of athleticism and bring them crashing to the ground.

Eli Manning: Le Pierrot De Football Americain (Eli Manning: The Pierrot Of American Football)
Despite his numerous victories and his ultimate 2008 joy, everyone knows his empty smile masks a sadness beyond his years.

Eli Parcours Le Monde Seul (Eli Travels The World Alone)
He is helped by his offensive line, he is helped by his coaches, he is helped by his brother. Yet he remains alone and incompetent.

Super Bowl XLII
His grand masterpiece, a fumbling display of mediocrity and ineffectiveness gilded with a dazzling firework display of brilliance that merely serves to highlight his inner preposterousness.

Le Clown Est Attaque Par Falcons (The Clown Is Attacked By Falcons)
A seemingly unending cavalcade of Atlanta Falcons rains down on Eli, seemingly infinite, making the hero look the silly jackass. That he attains victory reveals that we are all the fool.

Celui Qui Pleurait (He Who Wept)
When Eli Manning cries on the outside after years of crying inside himself, a stadium is brought to its knees with peels of shrieking laughter. He throws three interceptions, four touchdowns and wins.

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