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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.
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Eli Manning Wins Biggest Game Of Tom Brady's Life

GLENDALE, AZ—With his perfect season and the Patriots' championship at stake in Super Bowl XLII, celebrity athlete and future Hall of Fame quarterback Tom Brady dug deep within himself to be outplayed by Giants journeyman passer Eli Manning."To raise the level of our game and win on the biggest stage like this—it feels amazing," everyone assumed four-time Pro Bowler Brady would say following the historic game, only to hear those words spoken not only by a Manning, but by a non-Peyton Manning. Given the chance to become the only team in league history to go 19-0, Brady put his team on his shoulders and led the Patriots in a fourth-quarter comeback, scoring the go-ahead touchdown late in the game, an inspiring 12-play drive topped only by Manning's own 12-play touchdown drive immediately afterwards, a feat the Giants QB referred to as "cool." Manning followed up his Super Bowl MVP performance by not ripping up his ACL or MCL in the 2008 season.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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