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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Eli Manning Wins Biggest Game Of Tom Brady's Life

GLENDALE, AZ—With his perfect season and the Patriots' championship at stake in Super Bowl XLII, celebrity athlete and future Hall of Fame quarterback Tom Brady dug deep within himself to be outplayed by Giants journeyman passer Eli Manning."To raise the level of our game and win on the biggest stage like this—it feels amazing," everyone assumed four-time Pro Bowler Brady would say following the historic game, only to hear those words spoken not only by a Manning, but by a non-Peyton Manning. Given the chance to become the only team in league history to go 19-0, Brady put his team on his shoulders and led the Patriots in a fourth-quarter comeback, scoring the go-ahead touchdown late in the game, an inspiring 12-play drive topped only by Manning's own 12-play touchdown drive immediately afterwards, a feat the Giants QB referred to as "cool." Manning followed up his Super Bowl MVP performance by not ripping up his ACL or MCL in the 2008 season.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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