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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Eliminated Canucks Excited To Spend Time With Ice Families

VANCOUVER—Though disappointed to exit the Stanley Cup playoffs in the first round, Vancouver Canucks players and coaches told reporters on Monday that they looked forward to spending quality time with their ice families this offseason. “It’s time for us to put this season behind us and return home to be with our ice loved ones,” said Canucks goaltender Roberto Luongo, who mentioned that it had been months since he’d kissed his ice baby or taken his ice daughter out to a glacier. “No one likes losing, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t excited to catch up with my ice mom and my ice dad. They’ve been away in the freezer so long.” Luongo told reporters that he also had been craving a frosty slice of his ice mom’s triple icicle cake.

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Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

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