Elite Congressman Trained To Kill Legislation In 24 Different Ways

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Vol 50 Issue 14

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Elite Congressman Trained To Kill Legislation In 24 Different Ways

WASHINGTON—Quietly informing reporters of his surgical precision and finely honed skills, sources confirmed Wednesday that highly trained tactical lawmaker John Barrasso (R-WY) is capable of killing legislation in at least 24 different ways. “I’ve seen Sen. Barrasso gut an entire bill using only a ballpoint pen,” said a congressional staffer on condition of anonymity, who then described the emotionless efficiency characteristic of the hardened senator, adding that she once witnessed the cold-blooded 61-year-old deftly take out a bill conserving land in Colorado with just two parliamentary procedures. “He can swiftly put down an entire debate with a single, perfectly timed call for cloture, but he also knows how to operate with stealth. Sometimes he’ll secretly slip a poison pill amendment into a piece of legislation that’ll kill it instantly, and other times drafts are sent to his committee and you simply never hear from them again. Everyone knows what happened though.” At press time, the elite congressman was readying a loaded question as he patiently waited to ambush an unsuspecting judicial nominee.

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