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Elite Congressman Trained To Kill Legislation In 24 Different Ways

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Trump Casually Informs Pence He Going To Make One Or Two Appearances During Speech

CLEVELAND—Pulling his running mate aside backstage at the Republican National Convention just minutes before the Indiana governor was scheduled to formally accept the party’s vice presidential nomination, GOP candidate Donald Trump casually informed Mike Pence that he would probably make one or two quick appearances during the Midwestern conservative’s headlining speech tonight.

‘Heed My Tragic Story Well, Friends, For You Could Just As Easily Be Me,’ Says Chris Christie In Haunting RNC Speech

CLEVELAND—A thrall sweeping over the assembled GOP officials and party members Tuesday as he recounted his chilling tale of hubris, New Jersey governor Chris Christie reportedly entreated those at the Republican National Convention to consider the sad story of his own dizzying rise and ignominious fall, offering a bitter warning to all in attendance that his terrible fate could befall any one of them.
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Elite Congressman Trained To Kill Legislation In 24 Different Ways

WASHINGTON—Quietly informing reporters of his surgical precision and finely honed skills, sources confirmed Wednesday that highly trained tactical lawmaker John Barrasso (R-WY) is capable of killing legislation in at least 24 different ways. “I’ve seen Sen. Barrasso gut an entire bill using only a ballpoint pen,” said a congressional staffer on condition of anonymity, who then described the emotionless efficiency characteristic of the hardened senator, adding that she once witnessed the cold-blooded 61-year-old deftly take out a bill conserving land in Colorado with just two parliamentary procedures. “He can swiftly put down an entire debate with a single, perfectly timed call for cloture, but he also knows how to operate with stealth. Sometimes he’ll secretly slip a poison pill amendment into a piece of legislation that’ll kill it instantly, and other times drafts are sent to his committee and you simply never hear from them again. Everyone knows what happened though.” At press time, the elite congressman was readying a loaded question as he patiently waited to ambush an unsuspecting judicial nominee.

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