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John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
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Elite Congressman Trained To Kill Legislation In 24 Different Ways

WASHINGTON—Quietly informing reporters of his surgical precision and finely honed skills, sources confirmed Wednesday that highly trained tactical lawmaker John Barrasso (R-WY) is capable of killing legislation in at least 24 different ways. “I’ve seen Sen. Barrasso gut an entire bill using only a ballpoint pen,” said a congressional staffer on condition of anonymity, who then described the emotionless efficiency characteristic of the hardened senator, adding that she once witnessed the cold-blooded 61-year-old deftly take out a bill conserving land in Colorado with just two parliamentary procedures. “He can swiftly put down an entire debate with a single, perfectly timed call for cloture, but he also knows how to operate with stealth. Sometimes he’ll secretly slip a poison pill amendment into a piece of legislation that’ll kill it instantly, and other times drafts are sent to his committee and you simply never hear from them again. Everyone knows what happened though.” At press time, the elite congressman was readying a loaded question as he patiently waited to ambush an unsuspecting judicial nominee.

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