Elite Congressman Trained To Kill Legislation In 24 Different Ways

In This Section

Vol 50 Issue 14

Social

Client pitch, circa 1961

Scholars: ‘Gospel Of Jesus’ Wife’ Authentic

Two years after the discovery of a papyrus that includes the phrase “Jesus said to them, ‘my wife,’” researchers have announced that the fragment is not a forgery and was likely written in the Middle Ages, though it does not necess...

Woman Barely Jogging

PORTLAND, OR—Making negligible movements with her arms and legs as she sluggishly made her way along the sidewalk, a woman gradually progressing down Madison Street Friday was barely even jogging, sources confirmed.

Last Living California Raisin Dies Of Prostate Cancer

BEVERLY HILLS, CA—Beebop, the percussionist and last surviving member of the 1980s R&B supergroup The California Raisins, died Thursday following a lengthy battle with prostate cancer, multiple sources confirmed this morning.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Elite Congressman Trained To Kill Legislation In 24 Different Ways

WASHINGTON—Quietly informing reporters of his surgical precision and finely honed skills, sources confirmed Wednesday that highly trained tactical lawmaker John Barrasso (R-WY) is capable of killing legislation in at least 24 different ways. “I’ve seen Sen. Barrasso gut an entire bill using only a ballpoint pen,” said a congressional staffer on condition of anonymity, who then described the emotionless efficiency characteristic of the hardened senator, adding that she once witnessed the cold-blooded 61-year-old deftly take out a bill conserving land in Colorado with just two parliamentary procedures. “He can swiftly put down an entire debate with a single, perfectly timed call for cloture, but he also knows how to operate with stealth. Sometimes he’ll secretly slip a poison pill amendment into a piece of legislation that’ll kill it instantly, and other times drafts are sent to his committee and you simply never hear from them again. Everyone knows what happened though.” At press time, the elite congressman was readying a loaded question as he patiently waited to ambush an unsuspecting judicial nominee.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More