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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Elizabeth Taylor Watches Cleopatra Alone In Dark

LOS ANGELES–Sitting alone in a darkened screening room in her secluded mansion atop the Hollywood Hills, actress Elizabeth Taylor watched Cleopatra, the 1963 epic starring herself and Richard Burton. "I was the greatest of them all," said Taylor, gazing upon her younger self as the queen of the Nile. "In one week, I received 17,000 fan letters. Men bribed my hairdresser to get a lock of my hair. There was a maharajah who came all the way from India to beg one of my silk stockings. Later he strangled himself with it!" After she finished watching the film, Taylor informed its director, Joseph Mankiewicz, who died in 1993, that she was ready for her close-up.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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