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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Ellen DeGeneres Prepares To Host Academy Awards By Spending Eight Hours A Day In Oscars Simulator

 

LOS ANGELES—Since the announcement that she will be hosting this year's Academy Awards, daytime talk show host Ellen DeGeneres has reportedly been spending 40 hours a week in a fully automated Oscars simulator designed to challenge the comedienne both physically and mentally. "As soon as she steps into the module, she is bombarded by bright lights, images, and sounds programmed to accurately recreate the Academy Awards environment," said Oscar 9000 designer Howard Franks, adding that DeGeneres must make over 120 different jokes per simulation on such topics as ceremony length, dress choices, Oscar snubs, and Jack Nicholson's facial expressions. "If Miss DeGeneres fails to construct an amusing yet inoffensive quip, the timing mechanism kicks in, slowing down her agonizing exposure to the silent, disappointed glare of Hollywood's most glamorous." According to Franks, the highest score still belongs to Billy Crystal, who "charmed the pants off" the simulation with 94 variations on the same Jack-Palance-being-able-to-beat-him-in-an-arm-wrestling-match joke.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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