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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Ellen DeGeneres Prepares To Host Academy Awards By Spending Eight Hours A Day In Oscars Simulator

 

LOS ANGELES—Since the announcement that she will be hosting this year's Academy Awards, daytime talk show host Ellen DeGeneres has reportedly been spending 40 hours a week in a fully automated Oscars simulator designed to challenge the comedienne both physically and mentally. "As soon as she steps into the module, she is bombarded by bright lights, images, and sounds programmed to accurately recreate the Academy Awards environment," said Oscar 9000 designer Howard Franks, adding that DeGeneres must make over 120 different jokes per simulation on such topics as ceremony length, dress choices, Oscar snubs, and Jack Nicholson's facial expressions. "If Miss DeGeneres fails to construct an amusing yet inoffensive quip, the timing mechanism kicks in, slowing down her agonizing exposure to the silent, disappointed glare of Hollywood's most glamorous." According to Franks, the highest score still belongs to Billy Crystal, who "charmed the pants off" the simulation with 94 variations on the same Jack-Palance-being-able-to-beat-him-in-an-arm-wrestling-match joke.

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