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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Elmo Admits He's Uncomfortable Working With Gay Puppeteer

NEW YORK—While stressing that he “in no way discriminates against or dislikes homosexuals,” Sesame Street star Elmo admitted to reporters Wednesday that he is “no longer comfortable” working with his now openly gay puppeteer, Kevin Clash. “While Elmo respects Mr. Clash’s decision to come out as a gay man, it does make Elmo somewhat uneasy,” said the 26-year-old furry puppet, adding that Clash’s sexuality “conflicts with [his] personal and religious beliefs.” “Elmo simply does not agree with the gay lifestyle, and given the unique puppet-puppeteer relationship, Elmo believes that having daily physical contact with Mr. Clash as part of Elmo’s employment is now inappropriate.” At press time, Elmo had submitted an official request to the Sesame Workshop to be transferred to a different puppeteer.

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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

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