adBlockCheck

Eloquent Biden Brings Entire Audience To Tears In Debate Stunner

Top Headlines

Politics

What’s At Stake In New Hampshire

With the New Hampshire primary election Tuesday poised to impact the course of the 2016 presidential race, The Onion examines what’s at stake for the candidates

Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.

Biggest Campaign Gaffes So Far

The road to the 2016 election has seen its fair share of blunders, miscalculations, and poorly worded statements, all captured by an eager news media that’s always on the lookout for political missteps. Here are some of the biggest campaign gaffes of this election cycle so far:

How The Iowa Caucuses Work

The votes cast in the Iowa caucuses on Monday night mark the official beginning of the 2016 election season, but the specifics of the state’s selection process can be confusing to voters who don’t live there. Here, The Onion answers the most common questions about how the Iowa caucuses work:

Iowan Comforts Sobbing Jeb Bush At Town Hall

DES MOINES, IA—Slowly approaching the distraught, trembling presidential candidate before embracing him in a gentle hug, 42-year-old single mother Holly Sullivan comforted a sobbing Jeb Bush during a town hall forum, sources confirmed Friday.

Dazed Marco Rubio Wakes Up In Koch Compound To Find Cold Metal Device Installed Behind Ear

‘Hello Marco, We Will Now Begin The Program,’ Says Soothing Voice

UNKNOWN LOCATION—The brightly lit, stark-white room gradually coming into focus as he regained consciousness, GOP presidential candidate Marco Rubio reportedly awoke in the Koch brothers’ secret compound Thursday and reached suddenly to his throbbing head to discover a cold metal device implanted behind his left ear.

Hillary Clinton Relaxing Before Debate With Few Hours Of Debate Practice

GOFFSTOWN, NH—Describing it as a much-needed escape from the hype and pressure surrounding the event, aides from Hillary Clinton’s presidential campaign confirmed that the candidate has been taking it easy and kicking back ahead of Saturday’s Democratic debate with a few hours of intensive debate practice.

Terrified Jeb Bush Beginning To Fade From Visible Spectrum

LAS VEGAS—His voice slowing during his response to a question about immigration as he struggled to comprehend what was happening to him, a visibly terrified Jeb Bush reportedly began to vanish from the visible spectrum while on stage at Tuesday night’s Republican debate.

Koch Brothers Get Each Other Same Election For Christmas

WICHITA, KS—Chuckling and shaking their heads as they described their annual family gift exchange to reporters, Koch Industries executives Charles and David Koch confirmed Wednesday they had unwittingly gotten each other the same election for Christmas this year.

The Pros And Cons Of Political Correctness

A key issue currently driving a wedge between political parties in the U.S. is the question of so-called political correctness, or the avoidance of language and actions that could be construed as exclusive, oppressive, or marginalizing of minority groups. Here are the pros and cons of political correctness in our national discourse:

Rand Paul Escorted Off Stage After Falling Below 2.5% In Middle Of Debate

MILWAUKEE—Interrupted midway through answering a question about how he would reform the nation’s tax code, Republican presidential candidate Rand Paul was reportedly escorted off stage roughly an hour into Tuesday’s GOP primary debate after falling below the minimum 2.5 percent polling threshold necessary for participating in the forum.

Fact-Checking Ben Carson’s Claims

GOP presidential frontrunner Ben Carson is currently under fire for claims he’s made about his past in books and interviews, many of which journalists have alleged are fabricated or skewed in the candidate’s favor. The Onion breaks down what’s truth and what’s fiction.

Republicans’ Demands For Upcoming Debates

Following last week’s contentious debate in Colorado, Republican presidential candidates are formulating demands for future debates in the effort to reduce perceived media bias and foster a more productive, policy-focused discussion. Here are the GOP’s demands for upcoming debates

Top Issues For Voters In The 2016 Election

With the presidential race well underway and the pool of candidates narrowing, Americans will soon have to choose their next leader based on how well they speak to the issues. Here are the top issues that matter for voters in the 2016 election

Winners And Losers Of Last Night’s Debate

The top 10 leading GOP presidential candidates met in Boulder, CO for their third debate last night, hosted by CNBC and featuring a number of contentious moments concerning alleged liberal media bias, frontrunners’ contradictory statements, and more. The Onion breaks down who won and who lost the debate

Ben Carson Tormented By Periodic Rational Thoughts

SAN ANTONIO—Calling the disturbing incidents a persistent source of anguish, GOP presidential candidate Ben Carson told reporters at a Monday campaign stop that he has been tormented by periodic rational thoughts for the past several years.

How Democrats Are Preparing For Their First Debate

The first Democratic presidential debate will be held Tuesday, and the candidates are expected to battle it out over issues as wide-ranging as gun control, climate change, and wealth inequality in America. Here’s how the candidates are preparing for the debate

Group Of Christie Campaign Deserters Found In Forest

SHAMONG, NJ—Huddling together around fires of burning yard signs while sipping small rations of soup from mugs adorned with the phrase “Telling It Like It Is,” a ragged encampment of advisers, pollsters, and volunteers who deserted Chris Christie’s presidential campaign was reportedly found living deep in a New Jersey forest Friday, authorities confirmed.

Sight Of 400 War Elephants On Horizon Marks Hillary Clinton’s Arrival In Swing State

WHEELING, OH—Feeling the earth shake beneath them as they watched the procession climb over the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains toward their village, sources along the Ohio border confirmed Thursday that the sight of 400 war elephants marching on the horizon marked Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton’s arrival to the critical swing state.

Unemployed Single Mother In Rubio Speech Told Candidate About Her Problems In Confidence

CEDAR FALLS, IA—Describing her shock and embarrassment upon learning that her personal struggles were shared with an entire campaign rally audience, 37-year-old Allison Kilpatrick, an unemployed single mother that Republican presidential hopeful Marco Rubio mentioned in a recent stump speech, informed reporters Thursday that she told the candidate about her problems in confidence.

Obama Scrambling Around White House Kitchen Before State Dinner

WASHINGTON—Darting back and forth from refrigerator to sink to prep table while hurriedly preparing 350 hand-carved radish rosettes, a visibly agitated President Obama reported Friday that everything must be absolutely perfect for tonight’s state dinner in honor of Chinese president Xi Jinping.

Voters Look On In Horror As 3 New Republican Candidates Appear In Place Of Scott Walker

MADISON, WI—Overcome by a profound feeling of dread and helplessness as the GOP field multiplied before their eyes, voters at Scott Walker’s press conference yesterday, in which the Wisconsin governor announced he was exiting the presidential race, reportedly looked on in horror as three new Republican contenders appeared on stage in place of the former candidate.

Top Snake Handler Leaves Sinking Huckabee Campaign

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Dealing yet another blow to the former Arkansas governor’s presidential hopes, Dalton Hobbs, one of Mike Huckabee’s top snake handlers, has decided to leave the sinking campaign, sources reported Thursday.

Aides Rush On Stage To Rotate Scott Walker Back To Direction Of Audience

SIMI VALLEY, CA—Upon noticing that the Wisconsin governor had become disoriented during one of the moderator’s questions and begun delivering his response while facing the set’s backdrop, several of his aides rushed on stage during Wednesday’s GOP primary debate to rotate Scott Walker back in the direction of the audience.

GOP Debate Stage Manager Pulls Ladies’ Podium Out Of Storage For Carly Fiorina

SIMI VALLEY, CA—Having rummaged through a cluttered backstage closet for nearly half an hour in an effort to locate its elegantly curved lavender form, stage manager Paul Guzman is said to have finally pulled the GOP’s official ladies’ podium out of storage for Carly Fiorina ahead of Wednesday night’s Republican primary debate.

Who Is Kim Davis?

Rowan County, KY clerk Kim Davis returned to work Monday after being jailed for refusing to issue marriage licenses to gay couples on religious grounds. Here’s what you need to know about the defiant public servant:

Obamas Decide To Stay In White House Until Daughters Finish High School

‘We Don’t Want To Uproot Them Just For Our Jobs,’ Say Parents

WASHINGTON—Saying it wouldn’t be fair to disrupt their lives after seven years in the same school district, Barack and Michelle Obama this week announced their plans to stay in the White House until their daughters graduate high school.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Surprises

Satisfaction

Eloquent Biden Brings Entire Audience To Tears In Debate Stunner

'I'm A Flawed Man, But There Is Love In My Heart' Vice President Says

DANVILLE, KY—In what observers called a stunning and unexpected display of oratorical eloquence and candor, Vice President Joe Biden delivered a deeply articulate and heartfelt speech at the conclusion of Thursday night’s vice presidential debate, reportedly moving the entire audience at Centre College to tears.

After moderator Martha Raddatz asked Biden to give his closing statements, the former senator stared down at his prepared statement for several moments before setting it aside, standing on top of the table in front of him, and sharing a series of frank, poignant personal reflections as a surprised and reverent hush fell across the auditorium.

“I know people expect me to embarrass myself right now, or to do something reckless or silly, but I’m not going to do that—not tonight,” said Biden, his voice suddenly tinged with what observers described as a degree of warmth and tender regret never before heard from the veteran politician. “I know how you people see me—the fast cars, the hitchhiking, the trips to Juárez. You know me, ol’ stumbling numbnuts Joe Biden. Right? Well, shit, I’ll be the first to admit that I ain’t no saint. No, sir, I suppose I ain’t much of a role model, either. But when it comes right down to it, even with all my flaws, I am a human being. With hopes, with dreams, and with love in my heart.”

“Go ahead and laugh at Uncle Joe, or call him a fool if you like—I’m not going to stop ya,” Biden continued. “But know that I have a soul, and that my soul bleeds. Hell, I may not always know which way I’m going, or why, but god damn it if I’m not trying the best I can. The everloving best I can.”

Biden then reportedly paused, pulled a carton of cigarettes and a Zippo lighter from his back pocket, lit a cigarette, took a few puffs, and stared silently at the ceiling before once again addressing the audience.

“Listen, I know I’m the last person in the world to give you all a lecture on morality,” said Biden pacing the tabletop as the auditorium lights laid bare every world-weary crease and crevice in his 69-year-old face. “I’ve sure as shit made my fair share of mistakes. I’ve ridden through some pretty dicey places in my Trans-Am, had one or two run-ins with the law, and spent more than a few nights in county. I’ve done things…terrible things. I’ve got a list of regrets a mile wide, and there are nights when those regrets frankly tear me up inside. Just tear me right up.”

“But despite all this, I still have my dignity,” Biden added. “And nobody can take that away from me, no matter what. It’s what keeps me human. It’s what keeps me alive.”

Sources confirmed the Obama campaign was completely taken aback by the vice president’s sudden departure from the expected debate rhetoric, having reportedly instructed Biden to “stick to the issues” and refrain from going off-topic. However, many staffers were said to be incredibly moved by the sincerity of Biden’s words, with senior campaign adviser Robert Gibbs calling it “a revelation” and “a glimpse into the bruised soul of a man who’s lived 10 lifetimes.”

While acknowledging the ongoing criticism of Obama over the past week, a misty-eyed Biden offered an honest and personal account of his running mate while arguing for voters to give the president a second term.

“We’ve been through some crazy times, me and Barry,” said Biden, taking a quick swig from a flask he pulled from the inside pocket of his leather jacket. “He’s caught me on his roof doing some stuff I probably shouldn’t have been doing. Stuff I’m not proud of, despite how cocky I might act. But you know what? I trust him. And he trusts me. I don’t want to make some big political speech up here, but I will tell you right now that Barry’s the guy to lead us. He’s a good fuckin’ man. What’s more, he’s my dear friend. And I love him.”

Sources present at the debate claimed Biden became especially emotional in the middle of his speech when he spotted his wife of 35 years, Jill, in the audience.

“Jesus, Jilly…my beautiful, beautiful Jilly,” said Biden, turning to speak directly to his wife. “Darlin’, I know I haven’t been the perfect husband. Shit, far from it. I’ve done some things with other women that have really put you in a tough spot. But you gotta believe me when I say that I never, ever meant to hurt you.”

“I love you with all my heart, Jilly,” added Biden, who maintained a stoic expression as his eyes welled with tears. “I always have, and I always will.”

Wiping his eyes, Biden finally made a heartfelt appeal to Americans to try, “if they could,” to see “the real Joe.”

“My name is Joseph Robinette Biden Jr.,” said the vice president, his voice choking. “Over the years I have been made an object of mockery and ridicule. I have seen pictures of me in the most humiliating positions you can think of plastered across newspapers all over the world. I have been treated as a punch line. A dope. A fuckin’ jester among kings. But don’t be fooled. I am also a man who has touched sorrow. And I am a son of a bitch who has spent nearly seven decades on the razor’s edge and lived to tell the tale. I may not say it often, and I may never say it again, but I wish to say to you now that I am also a man worthy of love. And worthy of respect.”

“Thank you all so damn much,” Biden added. “I just…I love this country, man.”

Wiping his eyes, Biden then descended from the table and sat back down as the tearful and blindsided audience attempted to make sense of what they had just witnessed.

After nearly a full minute of deeply moving silence, Biden then whistled loudly and admitted to the assembled crowd that he had “a huge fuckin’ woody right now.”

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close