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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Elton John Wows Mother Theresa Funeral Crowd With 'The Bitch Is Back"

CALCUTTA—Over 12,000 mourners at Saturday's funeral for Mother Teresa were treated to a performance of "The Bitch Is Back" by Elton John. The delighted mourners, clapping their hands and swaying from side-to-side in time with the song's pounding, rollicking barrelhouse piano, joined John in singing the song's refrain, "Bitch, bitch / The bitch is back," dozens of times, bringing the performance to over 12 minutes. "This is the perfect tribute to Mother Teresa," said Sister Nirmala, Mother Teresa's successor as leader of the Missionaries of Charity Order. "The bitch is indeed back with God." John, who sat next to Princess Diana at Gianni Versace's funeral and sat next to Mother Teresa at Princess Diana's funeral, was seated next to former Beatle George Harrison at Mother Teresa's funeral, fueling speculation that Harrison will perish next Tuesday in a fiery helicopter crash.

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