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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Elvis Costello Poster Starting To Suspect It Will Never Be Framed

ATHENS, GA—Figuring it would have happened by now if it was ever going to, an Elvis Costello poster reportedly started to suspect Tuesday that it will ultimately never be framed. “I’ve been up here like six months and still nothing—I’m worried the guy who owns me has just gotten used to seeing me this way,” said the poster of the British singer-songwriter, admitting to reporters he was losing hope that the adhesive on its four corners was merely a temporary setup until the frame was purchased. “When he moved to another apartment back in June, I thought that might remind him of his original plan to have me framed, but he just stuck me on a brand-new wall. Oh well, it’s not like Bowie’s framed, and he’s been around way longer than I have.” At press time, the poster hoped its owner would frame it after one of its corners detached from the wall but could only sigh when it was smoothed back into place with an extra piece of sticky tack.

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