Email From Coworker Trying To Organize Office-Wide Social Outing So Unbearably Sad

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Vol 49 Issue 31

Global Warming Making People More Violent

A study published in the journal Science found that extremely hot and dry weather resulted in greater levels of conflict, and posited that for every degree Fahrenheit increase in average temperature, violent crime in the U.S.

Reading Rainbow Trout

PBS 10 a.m. EDT/9 a.m. CDT LeVar Burton takes children out to a river, where they catch rainbow trout and try to discern the fish’s personality just by how it flops around on the shore.

Job Growth Remains Sluggish, Or Rather, Akin To A Slug

WASHINGTON—Despite recent hopes that the lifeless U.S. employment climate may at last be turning a corner, a new report issued Friday by the Bureau of Labor Statistics shows that nationwide job growth remains sluggish, or rather, akin to a slug in i...

Highlights From Ariel Castro’s Courtroom Statement

Ariel Castro, the 53-year-old Cleveland man who abducted, imprisoned, and repeatedly raped three women over the course of 11 years, made a brief statement during a court hearing Thursday, shortly before he was sentenced to life in prison without parole.

Texas Running Out Of Execution Drug

A spokesman for the Texas Department of Criminal Justice confirmed that the state, which has the nation’s highest rate of executions, is running low on the lethal injection drug pentobarbital and would exhaust its supply in September.
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Special Coverage

Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Comfort

  • Entire Room Mentally Shaving Man's Facial Hair

    WHITE PLAINS, NY—Stunned and visibly offended by the sheer volume of facial hair visible before them, every single customer at local diner Hubbard's this morning was reportedly eyeing 28-year-old fellow patron David Kellerman and mentally shaving of...

Email From Coworker Trying To Organize Office-Wide Social Outing So Unbearably Sad

ATLANTA—According to employees at Polaris Marketing, an email sent today by coworker Tim Voss, 31, trying to organize an office-wide social outing after work is just so incredibly sad. “Hey guys, this is happening, so I’ll need to know soon who’s in and who’s out so I can get tickets,” read the first message in an incredibly depressing thread of emails that reportedly included heartbreaking suggestions to eat dinner beforehand, horribly painful updates about ticketing procedures, and repeated calls for head counts, which fellow employees described as “too pathetic to even read.” “Okay, so the 6:15 show is sold out, but there’s another one at 7:45, which means we can either hang out beforehand or meet there. Does that sound good? Let me know in the next 15 minutes so I can order tickets on Fandango.” At press time, sources confirmed that numerous employees had exchanged distressed private emails with each other asking, “Are you going to this?”

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