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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.
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Email From Coworker Trying To Organize Office-Wide Social Outing So Unbearably Sad

ATLANTA—According to employees at Polaris Marketing, an email sent today by coworker Tim Voss, 31, trying to organize an office-wide social outing after work is just so incredibly sad. “Hey guys, this is happening, so I’ll need to know soon who’s in and who’s out so I can get tickets,” read the first message in an incredibly depressing thread of emails that reportedly included heartbreaking suggestions to eat dinner beforehand, horribly painful updates about ticketing procedures, and repeated calls for head counts, which fellow employees described as “too pathetic to even read.” “Okay, so the 6:15 show is sold out, but there’s another one at 7:45, which means we can either hang out beforehand or meet there. Does that sound good? Let me know in the next 15 minutes so I can order tickets on Fandango.” At press time, sources confirmed that numerous employees had exchanged distressed private emails with each other asking, “Are you going to this?”

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