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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Embarrassed JCPenney Announces All It's Sold In Past Year Is Two Fleece Jackets And A Scattergories Game

PLANO, TX—Ashamed CEO Myron Ullman III admitted to shareholders of the JCPenney Corporation Thursday that in the past year the company has sold only two fleece jackets and a single Scattergories game. "While the jackets were purchased together as part of an end-of-winter buy-one-get-one-free deal, we still count that as two units sold," said Ullman, noting the new figures corrected earlier sales projections, which had to be revised when a towel set believed to have been purchased at a Tulsa, OK location turned out merely to have been obscured by a stack of Levi's. "This news may be disappointing, but with three Champion sweatshirts sold already this fall, fiscal 2012 is on track to be a year of substantial growth." Ullman said things could have been worse, as an attempted return of the Scattergories game proved unsuccessful when the already-opened product was deemed ineligible for refund.

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