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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Embarrassed JCPenney Announces All It's Sold In Past Year Is Two Fleece Jackets And A Scattergories Game

PLANO, TX—Ashamed CEO Myron Ullman III admitted to shareholders of the JCPenney Corporation Thursday that in the past year the company has sold only two fleece jackets and a single Scattergories game. "While the jackets were purchased together as part of an end-of-winter buy-one-get-one-free deal, we still count that as two units sold," said Ullman, noting the new figures corrected earlier sales projections, which had to be revised when a towel set believed to have been purchased at a Tulsa, OK location turned out merely to have been obscured by a stack of Levi's. "This news may be disappointing, but with three Champion sweatshirts sold already this fall, fiscal 2012 is on track to be a year of substantial growth." Ullman said things could have been worse, as an attempted return of the Scattergories game proved unsuccessful when the already-opened product was deemed ineligible for refund.

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Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

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