New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Area Man Only One With Problems

BOSTON—Expressing the sadness they feel for the beleaguered man and his incomprehensible plight, friends, family, and acquaintances of area man Doug Belson confirmed Wednesday that he is the only person in the world who has problems. Reports indicat...

Uneasy Détente Forms Between Man Sitting On Patio, Bee

GREENWOOD, IN—With relations in the patio area approaching crisis levels for much of the past 15 minutes, sources within Cityside Grill’s outdoor dining space confirmed Thursday that an uneasy détente had finally developed between area ...

Nation’s Sisters Issue Annual Report On Dealing With Dad

WASHINGTON—Citing an extensive body of research conducted over recent holiday get-togethers and weekly phone conversations, the nation’s sisters on Wednesday issued their yearly report outlining the various strategies for best dealing with Dad...

Important Decision Sent Up To Company's Highest Idiot

NEW YORK—Saying that such a vital judgment call required the expertise of a truly moronic decision maker, employees at Cartwright Partners passed an important issue up the corporate ladder to the company’s highest-ranking idiot Tuesday, source...
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Embarrassed Snake Can’t Believe Documentary Crew Caught It Whiffing While Lunging At Toad

LENOX, GA—Cringing at the thought of the embarrassing blunder being forever preserved on film, a local garter snake was reportedly humiliated Friday after a documentary crew caught footage of it completely whiffing while lunging at a toad. “Dammit, I almost never miss, but of course as soon as the cameras are rolling I totally botch it,” said the snake, bemoaning the fact that its rare misfire would now likely be seen by millions of people worldwide and possibly played multiple times in slow motion. “I bet when that thing airs they won’t even bother to mention the hundreds of other toads I’ve snagged throughout my lifetime. The other day, I plucked a mouse right off a log. Where were those cameras then?” At press time, the predatory reptile reportedly expressed additional frustration when the documentary crew managed to record it striking out big time with a female garter snake.


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