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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.
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Embarrassed Sony CEO Announces New Video Game System

'This Is Really Nerdy, I Know,' Executive Says

NEW YORK—Saying he realizes the whole thing is “incredibly nerdy,” embarrassed Sony CEO Kazuo Hirai announced at a press event today that the company would be releasing a new video game system later this year. “Look, I’m sure this all sounds just incredibly dorky, but apparently it’s going to have some pretty cool first-person shooting games on it and maybe some sports stuff too,” said the red-faced Hirai, admitting that while he’s “not personally into this sort of thing,” the device itself actually looks relatively appealing and even has the ability to play Blu-ray and surf the internet. “Apparently, it’s going to be called the Playstation 4, which, again, I know is just super lame, but from what everyone’s been telling me it’s supposed to be pretty cool for being a video game thing, so who knows. It could end up being kind of neat to have around the house. You know, just as a fun, dweeby toy.” Hirai went on to say that Sony was working on a new generation of laptops, but noted that it was something the geekier guys at work know more about.

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