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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Embarrassed Sony CEO Announces New Video Game System

'This Is Really Nerdy, I Know,' Executive Says

NEW YORK—Saying he realizes the whole thing is “incredibly nerdy,” embarrassed Sony CEO Kazuo Hirai announced at a press event today that the company would be releasing a new video game system later this year. “Look, I’m sure this all sounds just incredibly dorky, but apparently it’s going to have some pretty cool first-person shooting games on it and maybe some sports stuff too,” said the red-faced Hirai, admitting that while he’s “not personally into this sort of thing,” the device itself actually looks relatively appealing and even has the ability to play Blu-ray and surf the internet. “Apparently, it’s going to be called the Playstation 4, which, again, I know is just super lame, but from what everyone’s been telling me it’s supposed to be pretty cool for being a video game thing, so who knows. It could end up being kind of neat to have around the house. You know, just as a fun, dweeby toy.” Hirai went on to say that Sony was working on a new generation of laptops, but noted that it was something the geekier guys at work know more about.

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