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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Embarrassed Sony CEO Announces New Video Game System

'This Is Really Nerdy, I Know,' Executive Says

NEW YORK—Saying he realizes the whole thing is “incredibly nerdy,” embarrassed Sony CEO Kazuo Hirai announced at a press event today that the company would be releasing a new video game system later this year. “Look, I’m sure this all sounds just incredibly dorky, but apparently it’s going to have some pretty cool first-person shooting games on it and maybe some sports stuff too,” said the red-faced Hirai, admitting that while he’s “not personally into this sort of thing,” the device itself actually looks relatively appealing and even has the ability to play Blu-ray and surf the internet. “Apparently, it’s going to be called the Playstation 4, which, again, I know is just super lame, but from what everyone’s been telling me it’s supposed to be pretty cool for being a video game thing, so who knows. It could end up being kind of neat to have around the house. You know, just as a fun, dweeby toy.” Hirai went on to say that Sony was working on a new generation of laptops, but noted that it was something the geekier guys at work know more about.

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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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