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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Emergency Crews Attempt To Rescue Olympic Figure Skater Who Fell Through Ice

SOCHI, RUSSIA—In a race against time, local emergency crews reportedly rushed to rescue Italian figure skater Carolina Kostner Wednesday after the Olympian plunged through a hazardous thin patch of ice during her short program at the Iceberg Skating Palace. “Unfortunately she skated way out into the middle of the rink where the ice was weak and it collapsed instantly when she landed her triple axel,” said rescue worker Ignativ Barkov, adding that Kostner ignored the sounds of cracking ice while performing an otherwise flawless step sequence and combination spin. “We have to act fast or she’ll succumb to hypothermia. Granted, a world-class athlete like Kostner can withstand the initial shock for a few minutes, but her thin, sparkly leotard will do little to protect her from the deep and frigid water below the ice.” At press time, crews were attempting another dive after initial efforts had only managed to recover a sequined headband and several loose rhinestones.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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