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How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

Guide To The Characters Of ‘The Force Awakens’

The highly anticipated seventh episode in the ‘Star Wars’ series, ‘The Force Awakens,’ which will be released December 18, will feature several returning characters as well as a host of new ones. Here is a guide to the characters of ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens.’

Robert De Niro Stunned To Learn Of Man Who Can Quote ‘Goodfellas’

‘Bring Him To Me,’ Actor Demands

NEW YORK—Immediately halting production on his latest project after hearing of the incredible talent, legendary actor Robert De Niro was reportedly stunned to learn Wednesday that Bayonne, NJ resident Eric Sullivan, 33, can quote the critically acclaimed 1990 Martin Scorsese film Goodfellas at length.

Timeline Of The James Bond Series

This week marks the release of the 24th film in the James Bond franchise, Spectre, featuring Daniel Craig in his fourth appearance as the British secret agent. Here are some notable moments from the film series’s 53-year history
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Entertainment

Eminem Terrified As Daughter Begins Dating Man Raised On His Music

Since learning that his daughter’s new boyfriend loved his music growing up, Eminem has been worried sick about her.
Since learning that his daughter’s new boyfriend loved his music growing up, Eminem has been worried sick about her.

ROCHESTER, MI—Hip-hop artist Marshall Mathers, a.k.a. Eminem, said he was left wholly terrified today after meeting his daughter Hailie’s new boyfriend Justin Denham, an 18-year-old who was reportedly raised on the rapper’s music.

Saying he could barely fathom the thought of Hailie, 17, with a man who ever enjoyed listening to, or was inspired by, his often misogynistic and violent lyrics, Eminem, 40, claimed he was disturbed from the second Denham said he was “a huge fan” of all of the rapper’s seven albums.

“Justin said I was his favorite artist when he was growing up, and now he wants to go out with my little girl,” said Eminem, telling reporters he didn’t even want to imagine what Denham’s views on relationships could possibly entail given his self-professed love of albums that include songs about mutilating women. “Honestly, I don’t really know what I’m supposed to do here. How am I supposed to let Hailie go out with a guy who says I was a huge influence on him and all of his friends?”

“I mean, this guy’s probably listened to my song ‘Kim,’” Eminem continued. “I rapped about cutting my wife’s throat and then driving around with her in my trunk in that song. Jesus.”

Citing lyrics where he discussed raping a woman with an umbrella to “make her pussy wider,” the visibly shaken multi-platinum artist said he can’t imagine sitting by while his oldest daughter spends time alone with a man whose worldview could have been even slightly influenced by any of his songs.

Eminem added that while Hailie has repeatedly claimed Justin is a “good guy who treats her well,” he seriously doubts anyone who likes the song “Kill You,” where he brutally describes killing a woman and hiding her in a closet, could ever be a decent person.

“His favorite song is ‘Superman’—a track where I said I was going to put anthrax on a girl’s tampon and slap her until she can’t stand,” said Eminem, adding he could only imagine the types of drugs and alcohol songs like “Purple Pills” and “Crack A Bottle” had led him to do. “He better not think he can get away with all this stuff with Hailie. Or maybe he does. I mean, this is a guy who was listening to me rap about beating women ever since he was just a kid.”

“And his parents let him listen to it?” Eminem continued. “What kind of house was that? I don’t even want to think about what kind of people they are.”

Eminem went on to say he was even further dismayed when Denham said he also grew up listening to artists such as Dr. Dre, Snoop Dogg, and Ludacris, and told reporters he could only imagine the sorts of relationship lessons he pulled out of music like “Bitches Ain’t Shit” and “Move Bitch.”

“At this point, I suppose it would be ideal for Hailie to date someone who never listened to any one of my songs, ever,” said Eminem. “Why can’t she find someone who listened to music that wasn’t about having sex with prostitutes and then painting a room red with their blood?”

“Jesus,” Eminem added, “I have to go find my daughter right now.”

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