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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Emotional Wayne LaPierre Honors Victims Of Background Checks

WASHINGTON—In an emotionally charged press conference addressing gun control legislation, NRA vice president Wayne LaPierre delivered a tearful speech Wednesday honoring the thousands of Americans who have tragically fallen victim to background checks. “Because of our nation’s senseless gun control laws, this poor man with a known history of domestic violence was unable to procure an assault-style weapon, despite his desperate wishes to own and operate such a weapon,” said the visibly distraught lobbyist while gesturing towards a framed portrait of a middle-aged man, one of dozens of photos of victims displayed around the conference room. “It’s unthinkable that in a country like America, a person is legally prohibited from purchasing AR-15s or AK-47 assault rifles just because he or she is revealed to have a criminal record or even a pattern of mental illness. And yet, every day, another 20 citizens will be denied assault weapons due to background checks indicating that they were arrested for making violent threats to a coworker. And for what? For what, I ask you?” LaPierre added that until we live in a world without background checks, prospective gun owners can work to prevent tragedy by purchasing weapons at gun shows.

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