adBlockCheck

Emotionally Distant Family Spends Holidays Watching Touching Family Dramas Together

Top Headlines

Local

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Relaxing Tea Better Fucking Work

SMYRNA, DE—Saying he needed to be transported to a tranquil, untroubled state of calmness pronto, local man Pete McCartin, 29, told reporters Thursday that a fresh-brewed mug of purportedly relaxation-promoting tea had better fucking work.

Parents Into New Snack Now

BALLSTON, NY—Noticing they had both a Lightly Salted and a Tomato Basil version of the previously unknown product in their cupboard upon arriving for a visit home this past weekend, Jared Randall, 26, confirmed Wednesday that his parents are into a new snack now.

Mom Declares Garage Her Next Big Project

DES MOINES, IA—Announcing to family members it was getting “just about impossible” to find anything out there, local mother Pam Westin, 53, declared Friday that the garage is her next big project, sources confirmed.

Emergency Crew Rushes To Pull Child Out Of Football Huddle

CHESAPEAKE, VA—Saying they immediately feared the worst when they saw the child in such a treacherous, life-threatening situation, onlookers confirmed that an emergency crew rushed onto a local sports field Wednesday afternoon and moved quickly to pull a young boy out of a football huddle.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Emotionally Distant Family Spends Holidays Watching Touching Family Dramas Together

RUTLAND, VT—In what has become an annual holiday tradition, the dysfunctional Dawes family came together Sunday to sit in front of the TV and watch touching, feel-good family dramas in stony silence.

The Dawes grimly watch <i>It's A Wonderful Life.</i>

"We see each other so rarely," said Nicole Dawes, 44, whose three children were all home from college. "It's so nice to all sit down together and have a peaceful time. And [son] Kevin didn't bring up that awful new girlfriend of his once the entire time."

Following a special holiday dinner of turkey, artichokes, and spiced yams, Nicole and sullen daughter Gabrielle, an 18-year-old freshman at the University of Vermont, were put in charge of selecting the movies to watch. The two shared a wordless 10-minute car trip to their local Blockbuster video store, where Gabrielle ruled out most of her mother's choices as "stupid" or "lame." Tired of saying no and eager to leave the store, Gabrielle finally assented to the holiday classic It's A Wonderful Life and the 1994 remake of Miracle On 34th Street.

"I can't believe we got Miracle On 34th Street again," Gabrielle said. "Still, it's better than some of the other stuff my mom was pulling off the shelves. I mean, The Santa Clause? How gay is that? I hate Tim Allen."

Added Gabrielle: "I wish we hadn't gotten It's A Wonderful Life. It's so long. Besides, why would anybody pay actual money to rent that thing when it's on TV, like, a bazillion times every December?"

Upon Nicole and Gabrielle's return, It's A Wonderful Life was promptly inserted into the living-room VCR. Familiar with the annual routine, the family members huddled around the TV without exchanging a word, just as they have since the holiday tradition began in 1991.

As the movie played, Kevin, 22, a senior at Southern Vermont College, paid little attention, wrapped up in thoughts of his impending graduation. The few times he did focus on the film, it was to negatively compare his own family to the Baileys.

"That movie always makes me think about how if dad's hardware store lost $8,000 like George Bailey's bank did, it'd totally tear us apart," Kevin said. "He'd probably blame us and drag us all down with him. Good thing he isn't trusted with much money at his job."

Following the conclusion of It's A Wonderful Life, an awkward 80-second silence occurred as the videotape rewound. The silence was briefly broken by daughter Gina, 20, who remarked that the evening's dinner had been "really good." Peter, her father, grunted in agreement.

As Miracle On 34th Street played, Peter sat in rapt attention, pushing aside anxieties about work, aging, and his chilly relationship with his children.

"The original was one of my all-time favorites," Peter said. "I was trying to spot the differences between the two. I was just glad to have something to focus on besides trying to make conversation with the kids. I have no idea what they're up to these days. Jesus, they're all grown up, able to vote and all. I wonder if they hate me."

Some 40 minutes into the movie, having consumed three snifters of brandy, Peter fell asleep.

When the second movie finished, the three children claimed exhaustion and trundled off to their childhood bedrooms, feigning excitement for the following day's Christmas-tree-shopping excursion.

"It's good to see all the kids together under one roof. It reminds me of when they would all watch cartoons together growing up," said Nicole, wiping a tear from her eye. "I love the holidays."

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close