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Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Employee Executes Daring 3:30 P.M. Escape From Office

BINGHAMTON, NY—In a risky maneuver requiring precise timing and careful preparation, LifeTech Medical Devices employee Trevor Sadler, 32, executed a daring 3:30 p.m. escape from his office Monday afternoon, sources confirmed. “All right, it’s go time,” Sadler said to himself moments before furtively slipping out of his cubicle and taking a circuitous route to the back stairwell leading out to the parking lot where his car would be waiting. “I’m leaving my monitor on, and there’s a full glass of water sitting on my desk so it’ll seem like I’m still in the building. And I won’t bring my laptop bag with me. That way, if anyone sees me leave, I’ll look like I’m just stepping out for a minute. Then I should be home free.” At press time, Sadler had been drawn into an unexpected conversation with a coworker about an upcoming sales meeting, forcing the would-be fugitive to hastily snap the man’s neck and drag his body into the supply closet.

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