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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Employee Executes Daring 3:30 P.M. Escape From Office

BINGHAMTON, NY—In a risky maneuver requiring precise timing and careful preparation, LifeTech Medical Devices employee Trevor Sadler, 32, executed a daring 3:30 p.m. escape from his office Monday afternoon, sources confirmed. “All right, it’s go time,” Sadler said to himself moments before furtively slipping out of his cubicle and taking a circuitous route to the back stairwell leading out to the parking lot where his car would be waiting. “I’m leaving my monitor on, and there’s a full glass of water sitting on my desk so it’ll seem like I’m still in the building. And I won’t bring my laptop bag with me. That way, if anyone sees me leave, I’ll look like I’m just stepping out for a minute. Then I should be home free.” At press time, Sadler had been drawn into an unexpected conversation with a coworker about an upcoming sales meeting, forcing the would-be fugitive to hastily snap the man’s neck and drag his body into the supply closet.

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Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

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