Employee Executes Daring 3:30 P.M. Escape From Office

Top Headlines


Ben & Jerry's

Ice Cream Truck Driver Going To Let These Kids Sweat A Little Bit Before Stopping

MILWAUKEE—Admitting that he’ll never get tired of looking in his rearview mirror and seeing their little legs going at full speed as they struggle to catch up to him, local ice cream truck driver Derek Kenney said that he once again planned on making the children on Maple Avenue sweat it out a little bit before stopping his vehicle.

Report: One In Three Americans Will Get Dessert If Someone Else Does

WASHINGTON—Noting that many of those surveyed reported feeling kind of full but could “probably make room” for ice cream or pie, a report published Thursday by the Pew Research Center found that nearly a third of Americans would be willing to get dessert if someone else does.

Doctors Recommend Getting 8 Centuries Of Cryosleep

STANFORD, CA—Claiming that the practice is essential for effectively recharging the body and waking fully rested and alert, doctors at Stanford University issued a report Monday emphasizing the importance of getting at least eight centuries of atomi...
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage



Local Household Announces Plans To Overdo Halloween Again

HIGHLAND PARK, IL—Having hauled over a dozen boxes of lights and plastic decorations as well as a large black-cat-shaped lawn inflatable from storage, members of the Hutchcroft family announced to neighbors from their front yard Thursday their plan to completely overdo Halloween again this year.


Ben & Jerry's

Employee Executes Daring 3:30 P.M. Escape From Office

BINGHAMTON, NY—In a risky maneuver requiring precise timing and careful preparation, LifeTech Medical Devices employee Trevor Sadler, 32, executed a daring 3:30 p.m. escape from his office Monday afternoon, sources confirmed. “All right, it’s go time,” Sadler said to himself moments before furtively slipping out of his cubicle and taking a circuitous route to the back stairwell leading out to the parking lot where his car would be waiting. “I’m leaving my monitor on, and there’s a full glass of water sitting on my desk so it’ll seem like I’m still in the building. And I won’t bring my laptop bag with me. That way, if anyone sees me leave, I’ll look like I’m just stepping out for a minute. Then I should be home free.” At press time, Sadler had been drawn into an unexpected conversation with a coworker about an upcoming sales meeting, forcing the would-be fugitive to hastily snap the man’s neck and drag his body into the supply closet.

Preparedness Video