adBlockCheck

Employee Of The Month Sad It's Already The 19th

Top Headlines

Recent News

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Employee Of The Month Sad It's Already The 19th

FRANKLIN, TN–Jan Hervey, a housewares-department stocker and occasional cashier at the Plank Road Target, expressed sadness Wednesday over the rapidly approaching end to her reign as employee of the month.

Target stocker Jan Hervey proudly displays her Employee Of The Month certificate.

“Where has July gone?” asked Hervey, 33, speaking from the store’s break room. “I can’t believe it’s already the 19th. Before you know it, I’ll be just another employee again.”

After nearly three years of unrecognized service to the store, Hervey was finally nominated for the prestigious award by second-shift manager Paula Cushman, who cited the 31-year-old mother of four’s “helpful attitude” and “solid attendance record” on a Target Employee Of The Month recommendation form. On July 1, store manager Brian Steeber announced over the store’s P.A. system that Hervey had been selected.

“I’d always dreamed that someday it would be my face looking down at all the Target guests from that plaque at the front of the store,” said Hervey, whose husband and children celebrated the news by treating her to dinner at Old Country Buffet. “On July 1, that wonderful day finally came. When Brian announced it over the loudspeaker, everyone came running over to my register to congratulate me. I felt so special!”

“July 1,” added Hervey with a sigh. “Just 18 days ago.”

After the announcement was made, Hervey was asked to report to the service desk, where she posed for a Polaroid photo that was slipped into the Target Employee Of The Month plaque that hangs near the store entrance.

“I had no idea I’d be getting my picture taken that day, or I would have used the curling iron before I left for work,” Hervey said. “How could I have known, though? It’s just not the sort of thing you wake up in the morning and expect to have happen to you.”

The tradition of employee of the month at Target store #4551 carries with it a rich history. Since regional management instituted the program in 1996, a different employee has received the accolade every month. The only time the award was not given out was August 1999, when the plaque was stolen by a group of teenagers and had to be replaced.

In addition to having her name and month of honor permanently engraved on a brass plate on the plaque for future generations to see, Hervey received a coupon for a free foot-long hot dog and junior fries from the Target snack bar.

“I haven’t used my meal coupon yet,” she said. “I’m planning to hold on to it for a little while longer. That way, after my month is up, I’ll still have a little taste of the big time left to enjoy.”

Despite the fact that she “wouldn’t give this up for anything in the world,” Hervey admitted that being employee of the month “hasn’t been all cookies and ice cream.” The last three weeks, she said, have been a time of intense introspection.

“After all those years of wishing and hoping for something like this, the only place left to go is down,” said Hervey, whose last honor came in 1983, when she was named Monroe High School Swing Choir Most Valuable Member. “You struggle so long to get that brass ring, and then, when it’s in your hand, you get a sort of blank feeling. It’s like, what now?”

Hervey, however, has made an effort to keep such feelings of doubt to herself and focus on setting a good example for her coworkers.

“When you become employee of the month, you’re suddenly thrust into the limelight and an entire staff of 97 people is looking up to you as a role model. That’s a tremendous responsibility,” Hervey said. “Target expects a lot from its employees, but those expectations become that much greater when you’re employee of the month.”

“Then there are those few jealous individuals who would just love to see you make a wrong step,” she continued. “It’s very exhausting to be on your toes every second of every shift.”

Determined to prove herself deserving of the award, Hervey has tried to raise the level of her performance even higher. Her efforts have not gone unnoticed.

“Jan’s really been hustling lately, straightening out the rows of laundry baskets and re-folding every towel and washcloth in sight,” said fellow housewares stocker Brenda Steeber. “It’s been a real chore for me to find something to do. It would be a real bitch if they downsized our department’s staff.”

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close