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Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Employee Offering Suggestion At Meeting Slowly Grows Quieter And Quieter Until Eventually Squeaking ‘I Don’t Know’

Sources say Horton’s voice audibly changed volume and pitch with every second of his remarks until it was barely even present.
Sources say Horton’s voice audibly changed volume and pitch with every second of his remarks until it was barely even present.

PLANO, TX—While speaking up at a business strategy meeting earlier today, sources confirmed that Ceres Network Analytics assistant sales manager Jeffrey Horton, 49, offered a suggestion for the future of the company that steadily decreased in volume and intensity until he wrapped up his dwindling remarks with a squeaked "I don't know."

"The fact is, if we're going to stay competitive in the network solutions game, we need to expand into profitable, value-oriented markets sooner rather than later," said Horton, beginning his idea with an assurance and poise that reportedly gradually evaporated with each passing second as he continued speaking to the packed conference room. "Right now, our rivals are figuring out how to reach the same customers we rely on to draw consistent business, and we've got to outpace them or we'll be left behind."

"I feel like we can't afford to delay on this one," Horton added, his words already diminishing in volume and manifesting a slight trembling quality. "Right?"

Though Horton initially appeared to have full command of the situation as he conveyed his informed, well-stated opinion to Ceres' top executives and decision-makers, according to onlookers, it was only a matter of moments before the mid-level manager began to waver, evidently losing confidence in the merit of his proposal and, moreover, in his ability to convey an opinion at all.

Specifically, sources confirmed that Horton's speech rapidly adopted a lilting, tentative quality, helped along by his growing self-consciousness, the stark, airless quality of the near-silent conference room, and the lack of any discernible interest or acknowledgement on the part of the meeting's other 12 attendees.

"I mean, if we're not growing, then, you know, it's really not as good," Horton said, his voice at approximately half the volume it was when he first began speaking, as several Ceres managers began absentmindedly doodling on their printouts. "It's just like Chris was saying earlier. Growth is really important. I mean, we need growth, for sure."

"At least, that's— that's my way of thinking," he continued, after his department director averted her gaze when Horton attempted to make eye contact.

As Horton brought his increasingly muted remarks to their stuttering conclusion, sources confirmed that his tone adopted a plaintive quality as he struggled to personally address those colleagues of his who had long since ceased paying attention and were now patiently waiting for their coworker to stop talking.

"If I can just— we j-just have to be sure to take advantage of … these places … " Horton said, a mere 20 seconds after beginning talking, his voice now scarcely rising above the overhead air conditioner vent. "They're really important."

"I guess— I mean, I don't know," Horton at last concluded, with an audible squeak, his voice a pale, dissipating shadow of its original form. "I'm sorry."

At press time, Ceres CEO Carson Lambert had thanked Horton for his input.

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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

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