adBlockCheck

Employee Offering Suggestion At Meeting Slowly Grows Quieter And Quieter Until Eventually Squeaking ‘I Don’t Know’

Top Headlines

Recent News

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Employee Offering Suggestion At Meeting Slowly Grows Quieter And Quieter Until Eventually Squeaking ‘I Don’t Know’

Sources say Horton’s voice audibly changed volume and pitch with every second of his remarks until it was barely even present.
Sources say Horton’s voice audibly changed volume and pitch with every second of his remarks until it was barely even present.

PLANO, TX—While speaking up at a business strategy meeting earlier today, sources confirmed that Ceres Network Analytics assistant sales manager Jeffrey Horton, 49, offered a suggestion for the future of the company that steadily decreased in volume and intensity until he wrapped up his dwindling remarks with a squeaked "I don't know."

"The fact is, if we're going to stay competitive in the network solutions game, we need to expand into profitable, value-oriented markets sooner rather than later," said Horton, beginning his idea with an assurance and poise that reportedly gradually evaporated with each passing second as he continued speaking to the packed conference room. "Right now, our rivals are figuring out how to reach the same customers we rely on to draw consistent business, and we've got to outpace them or we'll be left behind."

"I feel like we can't afford to delay on this one," Horton added, his words already diminishing in volume and manifesting a slight trembling quality. "Right?"

Though Horton initially appeared to have full command of the situation as he conveyed his informed, well-stated opinion to Ceres' top executives and decision-makers, according to onlookers, it was only a matter of moments before the mid-level manager began to waver, evidently losing confidence in the merit of his proposal and, moreover, in his ability to convey an opinion at all.

Specifically, sources confirmed that Horton's speech rapidly adopted a lilting, tentative quality, helped along by his growing self-consciousness, the stark, airless quality of the near-silent conference room, and the lack of any discernible interest or acknowledgement on the part of the meeting's other 12 attendees.

"I mean, if we're not growing, then, you know, it's really not as good," Horton said, his voice at approximately half the volume it was when he first began speaking, as several Ceres managers began absentmindedly doodling on their printouts. "It's just like Chris was saying earlier. Growth is really important. I mean, we need growth, for sure."

"At least, that's— that's my way of thinking," he continued, after his department director averted her gaze when Horton attempted to make eye contact.

As Horton brought his increasingly muted remarks to their stuttering conclusion, sources confirmed that his tone adopted a plaintive quality as he struggled to personally address those colleagues of his who had long since ceased paying attention and were now patiently waiting for their coworker to stop talking.

"If I can just— we j-just have to be sure to take advantage of … these places … " Horton said, a mere 20 seconds after beginning talking, his voice now scarcely rising above the overhead air conditioner vent. "They're really important."

"I guess— I mean, I don't know," Horton at last concluded, with an audible squeak, his voice a pale, dissipating shadow of its original form. "I'm sorry."

At press time, Ceres CEO Carson Lambert had thanked Horton for his input.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close