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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Employee Wishes He Had Enough Job Security To Voice Opinion

PHILADELPHIA—Saying he would never jeopardize what little standing he has within the company by making any waves, Crystalpoint Systems junior sales associate Josh Morris told reporters Wednesday that he doesn’t have enough job security to actually voice his opinion at work. “I’m still pretty low on the totem pole here, so there’s no way I’d put my job at risk by sharing what I actually think during meetings or conversations with coworkers,” said Morris, who, as one of his firm’s younger and least essential employees, goes into the office each day fearing the repercussions of uttering a single honest opinion or constructive idea. “The last thing I want is to open my mouth and irritate the wrong person. Maybe if I get that promotion I might feel okay at least hinting about some of the improvements I think could really help the department or offering my take on the new database software they’ve been trying out. But for now, I’m just going to nod a lot to suggest agreement.” At press time, Morris had lost out on the promotion to a coworker who management reportedly valued for his active participation in staff discussions.

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Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

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