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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Employee Wishes He Had Enough Job Security To Voice Opinion

PHILADELPHIA—Saying he would never jeopardize what little standing he has within the company by making any waves, Crystalpoint Systems junior sales associate Josh Morris told reporters Wednesday that he doesn’t have enough job security to actually voice his opinion at work. “I’m still pretty low on the totem pole here, so there’s no way I’d put my job at risk by sharing what I actually think during meetings or conversations with coworkers,” said Morris, who, as one of his firm’s younger and least essential employees, goes into the office each day fearing the repercussions of uttering a single honest opinion or constructive idea. “The last thing I want is to open my mouth and irritate the wrong person. Maybe if I get that promotion I might feel okay at least hinting about some of the improvements I think could really help the department or offering my take on the new database software they’ve been trying out. But for now, I’m just going to nod a lot to suggest agreement.” At press time, Morris had lost out on the promotion to a coworker who management reportedly valued for his active participation in staff discussions.

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