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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Employees Given List Of Doctors Shitty Enough To Accept Company’s Health Insurance Plan

MILWAUKEE—In an effort to itemize the health benefits available through its current PPO plan, local business CargoFly Logistics provided its staff members Wednesday with a list of doctors who are shitty enough to accept the company’s health insurance. “All full-time employees are eligible for coverage at the following health care providers,” wrote benefits director Caroline Murray in an office-wide email, which gave the names, addresses, and phone numbers of roughly a dozen terribly rated and inconveniently located general practitioners who are desperate enough to take the company’s atrocious insurer, including at least three who do not typically cater to English-speaking patients. “Any employee who wishes to seek treatment from a doctor not included on this list will be required to pay for those services out of pocket.” Murray added that CargoFly workers should not hesitate to contact her at any time if they need the name of an in-network specialist who is currently under investigation by the state’s medical review board.

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