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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Employees Given List Of Doctors Shitty Enough To Accept Company’s Health Insurance Plan

MILWAUKEE—In an effort to itemize the health benefits available through its current PPO plan, local business CargoFly Logistics provided its staff members Wednesday with a list of doctors who are shitty enough to accept the company’s health insurance. “All full-time employees are eligible for coverage at the following health care providers,” wrote benefits director Caroline Murray in an office-wide email, which gave the names, addresses, and phone numbers of roughly a dozen terribly rated and inconveniently located general practitioners who are desperate enough to take the company’s atrocious insurer, including at least three who do not typically cater to English-speaking patients. “Any employee who wishes to seek treatment from a doctor not included on this list will be required to pay for those services out of pocket.” Murray added that CargoFly workers should not hesitate to contact her at any time if they need the name of an in-network specialist who is currently under investigation by the state’s medical review board.

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