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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
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Employees Given List Of Doctors Shitty Enough To Accept Company’s Health Insurance Plan

MILWAUKEE—In an effort to itemize the health benefits available through its current PPO plan, local business CargoFly Logistics provided its staff members Wednesday with a list of doctors who are shitty enough to accept the company’s health insurance. “All full-time employees are eligible for coverage at the following health care providers,” wrote benefits director Caroline Murray in an office-wide email, which gave the names, addresses, and phone numbers of roughly a dozen terribly rated and inconveniently located general practitioners who are desperate enough to take the company’s atrocious insurer, including at least three who do not typically cater to English-speaking patients. “Any employee who wishes to seek treatment from a doctor not included on this list will be required to pay for those services out of pocket.” Murray added that CargoFly workers should not hesitate to contact her at any time if they need the name of an in-network specialist who is currently under investigation by the state’s medical review board.

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