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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Employees Given List Of Doctors Shitty Enough To Accept Company’s Health Insurance Plan

MILWAUKEE—In an effort to itemize the health benefits available through its current PPO plan, local business CargoFly Logistics provided its staff members Wednesday with a list of doctors who are shitty enough to accept the company’s health insurance. “All full-time employees are eligible for coverage at the following health care providers,” wrote benefits director Caroline Murray in an office-wide email, which gave the names, addresses, and phone numbers of roughly a dozen terribly rated and inconveniently located general practitioners who are desperate enough to take the company’s atrocious insurer, including at least three who do not typically cater to English-speaking patients. “Any employee who wishes to seek treatment from a doctor not included on this list will be required to pay for those services out of pocket.” Murray added that CargoFly workers should not hesitate to contact her at any time if they need the name of an in-network specialist who is currently under investigation by the state’s medical review board.

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