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Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.

It Kind Of Sweet CEO Thinks He Doing Good Job

SEATTLE—Admitting that the sight of him laying out his vision for the company was pretty endearing, employees at Rainier Solutions reported Monday that it was kind of sweet that CEO Greg Warner thinks he is doing a good job.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

How Internet Clickbait Works

Facebook and other sites have recently begun to fight back against “clickbait,” often misleading internet posts designed to be seen by as many readers as possible. The Onion breaks down the production and spread of this content

Home Depot Employee Can Tell This Customer’s First Attempt At Pipe Bomb

APPLETON, WI—Shaking his head Monday as the customer selected a length of plastic pipe over a stronger metal alternative and placed it into his shopping cart, local Home Depot sales associate Graham Warner, 57, was reportedly able to tell right away that this was the store patron’s first attempt at making a pipe bomb.

Disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings Not Living Up To Ridicule

LOS ANGELES—Describing the experience as a significant letdown, local diner Eric Tidwell told reporters that the disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings franchise he visited Thursday night failed to live up to the scorn he had long heard about the restaurant.

KFC Introduces New Previously Owned 20-Piece Hot Wings

LOUISVILLE, KY—In an effort to meet the changing demands of its consumers, fast-food chain Kentucky Fried Chicken announced Wednesday that it has begun offering customers the option of purchasing, at a significant discount, a 20-piece box of pre-owned hot wings.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

New Mountain Dew Vows To Kill 99.9% Of Stomach Bacteria

PURCHASE, NY—Touting the beverage’s refreshing citrus taste, tongue-tingling carbonation, and prescription-strength antimicrobial properties, PepsiCo officials announced Wednesday that their newest product, Mountain Dew Code White, kills 99.9 percent of consumers’ stomach bacteria.
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Employee’s Meteoric Rise Through Company A Testament To Staff Turnover

Pisciotto has surged up the corporate ladder to become Forge Media’s youngest director, an impressive feat colleagues attribute to the firm’s poor employee retention.
Pisciotto has surged up the corporate ladder to become Forge Media’s youngest director, an impressive feat colleagues attribute to the firm’s poor employee retention.

SAN DIEGO—Admiring his rapid advancement from a junior sales position to a management role in an unprecedented six months, sources at Forge Media said Monday that coworker Mark Pisciotto’s meteoric rise through the company is a true testament to its high turnover rate.

Since joining the digital marketing firm last October as a sales associate, Pisciotto, 28, has been successively promoted to client service manager, team leader, and director of client service, a swift ascent that office sources said stood as impressive proof of the large number of vacancies at their workplace.

“If you look at where he started compared to where he is now, you can’t help but think, ‘Wow, a whole lot of people have been leaving,’” said Forge HR director Caroline Moser, marveling at just how much Pisciotto had benefitted from the departure of colleagues in such a short time. “He’s been with us half a year, and he’s zooming up the company ranks like a person who happens to be working here during a period of staff instability.”

“Provided enough people resign, the sky’s the limit for Mark,” Moser added.

In fact, colleagues speculate that Pisciotto is probably on the fast track to regional vice president of accounts, as veteran employees Karen Turnbull and Trevor Wilcox recently left due to their dissatisfaction with Forge’s pay and benefits packages. And if, as many expect, senior vice president Nancy Byers takes an early retirement in the near future, there reportedly will be little stopping Pisciotto from climbing to an executive-level position.

Having moved up the company hierarchy so quickly, sources confirmed that Pisciotto has even earned the respect of the head of the company.

“Mark is a living, breathing example of what you can achieve if you’re still employed somewhere when the people immediately above you have moved on,” said Forge CEO Donald Snider. “He’s just one of those guys who has what it takes to rise through the ranks partially by default at a company that’s been a revolving door for employees as of late.”

“Honestly, it takes a special kind of worker to almost inevitably be promoted due to turnover,” added Snider. “I could definitely see him in this chair someday, especially considering the enticing offers I’ve been receiving from rival firms.”

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