Fall is here, but it’s not too late to find your perfect fall outfit. Here are The Onion’s tips for fall fashion.
NORTH ANDOVER, MA—Sources at NuVista advertising agency's North Andover headquarters announced moments ago that they want nothing more than a speedy conclusion to an ongoing conference call with the New York office. According to executive assistant Joyce Kinney, the call, which is taking place in the office's glass-walled conference room, has dragged on pointlessly for nearly 40 minutes. "[Vice president/account supervisor] Bill [Dykstra] just gave everyone the 'I'm blowing my brains out' gesture," Kinney said. "It's that idiot John Shore. He never knows when to shut the hell up." At press time, the seemingly interminable call has not yet ended, though Kinney said vice president Louis Darden will likely save announcing the New York office's closure in April until the very end.