adBlockCheck

Local

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
End Of Section
  • More News

Employees From Other Department Announce Plan To Ramble On About Fucking Nothing Right Next To Your Desk

SEATTLE—Declaring their intention to prevent you from getting any work done whatsoever, employees from another department announced plans Friday to ramble on about fucking nothing right next to your desk. “We intend to loiter directly adjacent to where you sit and loudly discuss some stupid bullshit while you’re trying to get something accomplished,” said the coworkers who, despite having their own desks in an entirely different section of your office, specifically chose the spot four feet away from your workspace to share idiotic observations about the most boring topics imaginable. “Furthermore, once it seems like our moronic exchange is about to come to its merciful end and allow you to finally concentrate on your work again, someone new will walk by, at which point we’ll essentially repeat the excruciatingly pointless conversation we just had. We’ll also make sure that at least one of us is loud enough to cut through the volume on your headphones, so there’s absolutely no way you can fully disengage from our inane chitchat.” The employees from another department went on to say that if you interrupt them with a remark that actually pertains to work, they intend to look at you like you’re some kind of asshole and awkwardly distance themselves.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close