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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Employees From Other Department Announce Plan To Ramble On About Fucking Nothing Right Next To Your Desk

SEATTLE—Declaring their intention to prevent you from getting any work done whatsoever, employees from another department announced plans Friday to ramble on about fucking nothing right next to your desk. “We intend to loiter directly adjacent to where you sit and loudly discuss some stupid bullshit while you’re trying to get something accomplished,” said the coworkers who, despite having their own desks in an entirely different section of your office, specifically chose the spot four feet away from your workspace to share idiotic observations about the most boring topics imaginable. “Furthermore, once it seems like our moronic exchange is about to come to its merciful end and allow you to finally concentrate on your work again, someone new will walk by, at which point we’ll essentially repeat the excruciatingly pointless conversation we just had. We’ll also make sure that at least one of us is loud enough to cut through the volume on your headphones, so there’s absolutely no way you can fully disengage from our inane chitchat.” The employees from another department went on to say that if you interrupt them with a remark that actually pertains to work, they intend to look at you like you’re some kind of asshole and awkwardly distance themselves.

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