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Employees Still Have No Idea What's Going On After Attending Meeting

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Report: Someone Needs To Get Chips And Dip Away From Area Man

EDISON, NJ—Repeatedly emphasizing that the ruffled potato chips and accompanying French onion dip were just too good, a report released Thursday confirmed that someone needs to get them away from local partygoer Ian Ashcraft before he eats the whole thing.

Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.
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Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Employees Still Have No Idea What's Going On After Attending Meeting

BOSTON—The staff of Viacom's regional syndication and licensing division have "absolutely no idea" what is happening with their operations, planning, or corporate structure following their four-hour-long operations, planning, and corporate-restructuring meeting, employees said Monday. "Well, it seems like we are either heading into an 'amazing new era,' or losing our jobs," assistant project coordinator Lisa Morgan said. "Or maybe it's something else altogether. At the very least, I'm fairly sure that this meeting concerned how we operate, plan, and structure our work. I think." Morgan said she hoped some of the finer details of the meeting would be made clear in one of the follow-up meetings on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday.

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