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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Employees Still Have No Idea What's Going On After Attending Meeting

BOSTON—The staff of Viacom's regional syndication and licensing division have "absolutely no idea" what is happening with their operations, planning, or corporate structure following their four-hour-long operations, planning, and corporate-restructuring meeting, employees said Monday. "Well, it seems like we are either heading into an 'amazing new era,' or losing our jobs," assistant project coordinator Lisa Morgan said. "Or maybe it's something else altogether. At the very least, I'm fairly sure that this meeting concerned how we operate, plan, and structure our work. I think." Morgan said she hoped some of the finer details of the meeting would be made clear in one of the follow-up meetings on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday.

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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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