Employees Suspect Old Man Came To Roy Rogers To Die

Top Headlines


Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.

Area Man A Staunch Single-Gender Voter

JOHNSTOWN, PA—Saying it was the only factor he considered when deciding who to cast his ballot for, local man William Swanson, 44, told reporters Thursday he is strictly a single-gender voter.

Weird Relative At Family Reunion Knows How Everyone Related To Each Other

WELDON SPRING, MO—Saying she possessed a seemingly limitless wealth of information on various cousins, step-siblings, and in-laws, sources at the 2016 Webb family reunion this past weekend confirmed that weird relative Susan Amos, 73, exhibited a strikingly intricate knowledge of how everyone was related to each other.

Woman Worried She Doing Bad Job Enjoying Massage

MALVERN, PA—Silently wondering throughout the hour-long appointment if there was anything she could be doing to enhance the experience, local woman Caitlyn Leigh reportedly worried Wednesday that she was doing a bad job enjoying the full-body massage she was receiving.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Employees Suspect Old Man Came To Roy Rogers To Die

Waiters can tell from the look in his eyes that "he knows this is it."
Waiters can tell from the look in his eyes that "he knows this is it."

ALLENTOWN, PA—According to morning-shift employees at the Roy Rogers restaurant off Route 114, the elderly man seated alone in the back corner booth appears to be intent on dying there.

"He came shuffling in really slowly this morning and just sort of slumped over there in the back," said cashier Brianne Pecor, 17, who claimed the old man has ordered nothing in the past two hours but a small cup of coffee. "It's pretty heartbreaking to watch. Guess the poor old guy doesn't have much of an appetite left. He's probably just looking for a calm, quiet corner where he can curl up and pass away."

"They can sense when their time is coming," Pecor added. "They just know."

The frail-looking senior citizen has reportedly been sitting alone, unclaimed, for the past few hours, during which time restaurant sources said he has hardly moved.

Although the man chose to settle at a partially concealed table in the darkest corner of the restaurant, workers told reporters that the figure has been impossible to ignore, largely due to his labored struggles for breath and frequent hacking coughs.

"He let out a really heavy sigh a little while ago, so Brianne went over to check on him," said morning-shift manager Dan Plumley, 36. "But he kind of turned his head away and cowered a little when she approached him."

"At this stage, it's probably best to just leave him be," Plumley continued. "Let him go in peace, you know?"

Since arriving at the Roy Rogers location some three hours ago, the elderly man has reportedly taken only a few meager sips from his coffee, and has hardly averted his gaze from the restaurant's back window.

"He's got a nice view from where he's sitting," Plumley said. "He can see the trees rustling in the breeze out past the parking lot, and he can watch the cars go by on Benton Road. I think it must really be a pleasant, soothing sight for him."

Added Plumley, "A nice way to go."

Roy Rogers patrons have also reportedly maintained a respectful distance from the man by sitting at booths and tables on the opposite side of the restaurant. When passing by the slumped figure on their way to the restroom, most have made an attempt to avoid looking directly into the senior's eyes.

"It looks like he's dressed up for some special occasion or something, like he knew this was the end," said diner Matthew Brunelle, 44, referring to the man's polished leather penny loafers, neatly pressed brown slacks, and gray cardigan. "It makes you sad, in a way, but then again I guess it's all just part of the cycle of life."

In an effort to make the senior's final moments on earth as comfortable as possible, the restaurant staff postponed mopping the floor around him and, when they noticed the old man's frail, arthritic fingers struggling to fasten the top button of his sweater, dialed the thermostat up a few degrees.

At press time, employees of the Roy Rogers location claimed that if the man hadn't passed on by closing time, they would leave a little water and some chili out for him and then come back to check on him in the morning.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close