adBlockCheck

Local

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

Local Man Thinking About Becoming Asshole

SCARSDALE, NY—Saying he had been considering the lifestyle change for a while now, local man Pete Halloran told reporters Friday that he was thinking about becoming an asshole.
End Of Section
  • More News

Employer Totally Botches Job Interview

EVANSVILLE, IN—Worrying aloud that he came across as fidgety and unassertive, local executive Greg Bricker confided to reporters Monday that he completely bombed his latest interview with a prospective employee. “I was a little nervous that I hadn’t prepared enough going into it, and then as soon as I walked into the room, I just kind of froze up,” said a visibly frustrated Bricker, who admitted that while he had a couple good talking points lined up, he didn’t make enough eye contact, laughed too loud at the candidate’s jokes, and ended with an embarrassingly weak handshake. “Projecting confidence is key in these situations, but I was completely off my game. I didn’t even have anything to say when he asked if I had any more questions. Not good.” Bricker then lamented that the applicant probably had a bunch of other interviews lined up this week and that there was no use following up with him after such a lackluster performance, as there was no way he would ever hear back from him.

More from this section

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close