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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Employer Totally Botches Job Interview

EVANSVILLE, IN—Worrying aloud that he came across as fidgety and unassertive, local executive Greg Bricker confided to reporters Monday that he completely bombed his latest interview with a prospective employee. “I was a little nervous that I hadn’t prepared enough going into it, and then as soon as I walked into the room, I just kind of froze up,” said a visibly frustrated Bricker, who admitted that while he had a couple good talking points lined up, he didn’t make enough eye contact, laughed too loud at the candidate’s jokes, and ended with an embarrassingly weak handshake. “Projecting confidence is key in these situations, but I was completely off my game. I didn’t even have anything to say when he asked if I had any more questions. Not good.” Bricker then lamented that the applicant probably had a bunch of other interviews lined up this week and that there was no use following up with him after such a lackluster performance, as there was no way he would ever hear back from him.

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