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Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Employer Totally Botches Job Interview

EVANSVILLE, IN—Worrying aloud that he came across as fidgety and unassertive, local executive Greg Bricker confided to reporters Monday that he completely bombed his latest interview with a prospective employee. “I was a little nervous that I hadn’t prepared enough going into it, and then as soon as I walked into the room, I just kind of froze up,” said a visibly frustrated Bricker, who admitted that while he had a couple good talking points lined up, he didn’t make enough eye contact, laughed too loud at the candidate’s jokes, and ended with an embarrassingly weak handshake. “Projecting confidence is key in these situations, but I was completely off my game. I didn’t even have anything to say when he asked if I had any more questions. Not good.” Bricker then lamented that the applicant probably had a bunch of other interviews lined up this week and that there was no use following up with him after such a lackluster performance, as there was no way he would ever hear back from him.

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