adBlockCheck

Enchanted Spatula Can Only Be Used To Flip Food By One Who Is Pure In Thought And Deed

Top Headlines

Local

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Friend From College Wasted No Time Becoming White-Collar Professional

CHARLOTTE, NC—Noting how his fellow 23-year-old now takes business trips and apparently has a company-issued cell phone, local barista Daniel MacKenzie reported Friday that his friend Eric Sanford—with whom MacKenzie attended the University of Virginia from 2011 to 2015—has wasted no time at all becoming a full-fledged white-collar professional.

Waitress Who Took Over At Table Just Doesn’t Have Same Spark As Richard

FREEPORT, ME—Sensing things wouldn’t be the same once the woman removed their empty potato skin basket without so much as a playful acknowledgment of how much they must have enjoyed the appetizer, patrons at Downeast Grill confirmed Wednesday night that their new waitress, Allie, just didn’t have the same spark Richard had.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Enchanted Spatula Can Only Be Used To Flip Food By One Who Is Pure In Thought And Deed

SOUTHFIELD, MI—Management at Grandma's Family Restaurant in Southfield is still awaiting the arrival of The Foretold One, the short-order cook who is capable of wielding the magnificent Spatula Of Zär, it was reported Monday.

The legendary Spatula Of Zär, whose rightful master has yet to arrive.

"Such a cook must be powerful indeed to wield the Spatula," assistant manager Doug Biehlke said. "Our runes of prophesy dictate that the One is nigh... and will use the Spatula to deliver unto us delicious omelets, hash browns, pancakes and cheeseburgers, at last."

According to legend, the Spatula was forged in a secret ceremony by the elder chefs of Grandma's in 1988. Ever since, it has hung, impossible to move, on an aluminum hook in the restaurant's kitchen, where management believes it will remain until its True Master is found.

"Many have tried in arrogance to lift the Spatula from its hook, to possess its unspeakable power and beauty, to be glorified and elevated to the status of lead short-order cook," Biehlke said. "They sought not to toast buns, but rather to seize greatness for themselves—and a hard lesson did they learn."

To date, some 400 individuals have been maimed in attempts to hoist the mythical food-flipping utensil.

"When one whose heart is less than pure seeks union with the all-good and all-seeing Spatula Of Zär, it lashes out and marks them forever," said dishwasher Roy Nussmayer, who has witnessed dozens of Spatula-induced soul-searings in his three years as second-shift grill cook at the suburban Detroit eatery. "It is a cruel penalty for what is often no greater a crime than being made merely human. But lo, such harshness is necessary, lest the Spatula fall into the hands of evil short-order cooks who grill their chicken patties with great malice and would seek the Spatula for their own nefarious doings."

Despite the fact that 11 years have passed with no sign of the Foretold One, Biehlke remains confident that the chosen short-order cook will soon arrive.

"The runes of prophecy are clear," Biehlke said. "They indicate that in the darkest of times, when all seems lost to the non-believers and the $4.99 patty-melt special has done poorly, the Foretold One will seize the handle of the Spatula and, holding it aloft, lead us into a Golden Age, a glorious time when competing restaurant chains such as Denny's and Perkins will fall like swatted flies, and countless hungry travelers and friendly locals will pass under the neon sign of Grandma's and fill their bellies happily. The One will rise to become the greatest leader in the history of the food-service industry... Cook of Cooks, Manager of Managers, Lord of Hosts and Hostesses."

"He shall be mightier indeed than Andrew Of The Golden Locks," Biehlke said, "who carried the Egg Whisk Of Nandumauër to victory through 18 consecutive breakfast specials."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close