Enchanted Spatula Can Only Be Used To Flip Food By One Who Is Pure In Thought And Deed

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Vol 35 Issue 13

Clinton Pours Malt Liquor On Ground For Dead Homies

WASHINGTON, DC—At a moving Rose Garden ceremony Monday, President Clinton poured a 40-ounce bottle of King Cobra malt liquor on the ground in honor of his dead homies. "Ron Brown, Vince Foster, James McDougal... y'all be my niggaz, and I will mourn you until I join you," Clinton said. "And to all my other policy advisors, cabinet members and business partners who didn't make it, I will see you at tha crossroads." Clinton then kissed two of his fingertips and extended them outward in a peace gesture.

Despite Claims, Long Story Not Made Short

SCHENECTADY, NY—Contrary to her pre-account vow, area resident Barb Schuyler's long story of how a series of cashier foul-ups at the grocery store Monday made her 25 minutes late for a dental appointment was not made short. "So then, it turns out the stupid woman forgot to ring in my Savers Club discount," Schuyler said to friend Gloria Conlon nine minutes into the non-abbreviated tale. The story is the 1,643rd Schuyler has failed to make short since 1994.

Van's Rocking Motion Discourages Would-Be Knocker

YUMA, AZ—The steady, back-and-forth motions of a 1979 Ford Econoline van sent "a clear message" to local resident Paul Dunne Monday, discouraging him from knocking. "I needed a jump-start for my car, and the closest vehicle was this van," Dunne said. "I was about to knock on the back window, but when I noticed that the van was clearly rocking, I didn't bother." Dunne instead received assistance from an adjacent, non-rocking vehicle.

Salvation Air Force Collecting Used Planes In Your Area

ALEXANDRIA, VA—The Salvation Air Force put out an urgent call to U.S. aviators Monday, urging them to bring any used or unwanted aircraft to their nearest Salvation Air Force location. "We desperately need all manner of jets, biplanes, helicopters, hot-air balloons, zeppelins and autogyros," said Salvation Air Force national commander Denise Puhl, who added that if a building is closed, aircraft can be left in the drop bin outside.

Connect Four-Playing Sis Pretty Sneaky

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Losing Connect Four player Tony Franck denounced his sis as "pretty sneaky" following her diagonal connection of four during a kitchen-table match Tuesday. "I realize that the rules allow for a diagonal arrangement of four checkers, and I fully concede victory to my sis and acknowledge her four-connecting prowess," Franck said following the match. "Still, I maintain that a significant measure of sneakiness was key to her victory." Franck next plans to attend the U.S. Stay Alive™ Championship Tournament in Hilo, HI, vowing, "I will be the sole survivor."
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Enchanted Spatula Can Only Be Used To Flip Food By One Who Is Pure In Thought And Deed

SOUTHFIELD, MI—Management at Grandma's Family Restaurant in Southfield is still awaiting the arrival of The Foretold One, the short-order cook who is capable of wielding the magnificent Spatula Of Zär, it was reported Monday.

The legendary Spatula Of Zär, whose rightful master has yet to arrive.

"Such a cook must be powerful indeed to wield the Spatula," assistant manager Doug Biehlke said. "Our runes of prophesy dictate that the One is nigh... and will use the Spatula to deliver unto us delicious omelets, hash browns, pancakes and cheeseburgers, at last."

According to legend, the Spatula was forged in a secret ceremony by the elder chefs of Grandma's in 1988. Ever since, it has hung, impossible to move, on an aluminum hook in the restaurant's kitchen, where management believes it will remain until its True Master is found.

"Many have tried in arrogance to lift the Spatula from its hook, to possess its unspeakable power and beauty, to be glorified and elevated to the status of lead short-order cook," Biehlke said. "They sought not to toast buns, but rather to seize greatness for themselves—and a hard lesson did they learn."

To date, some 400 individuals have been maimed in attempts to hoist the mythical food-flipping utensil.

"When one whose heart is less than pure seeks union with the all-good and all-seeing Spatula Of Zär, it lashes out and marks them forever," said dishwasher Roy Nussmayer, who has witnessed dozens of Spatula-induced soul-searings in his three years as second-shift grill cook at the suburban Detroit eatery. "It is a cruel penalty for what is often no greater a crime than being made merely human. But lo, such harshness is necessary, lest the Spatula fall into the hands of evil short-order cooks who grill their chicken patties with great malice and would seek the Spatula for their own nefarious doings."

Despite the fact that 11 years have passed with no sign of the Foretold One, Biehlke remains confident that the chosen short-order cook will soon arrive.

"The runes of prophecy are clear," Biehlke said. "They indicate that in the darkest of times, when all seems lost to the non-believers and the $4.99 patty-melt special has done poorly, the Foretold One will seize the handle of the Spatula and, holding it aloft, lead us into a Golden Age, a glorious time when competing restaurant chains such as Denny's and Perkins will fall like swatted flies, and countless hungry travelers and friendly locals will pass under the neon sign of Grandma's and fill their bellies happily. The One will rise to become the greatest leader in the history of the food-service industry... Cook of Cooks, Manager of Managers, Lord of Hosts and Hostesses."

"He shall be mightier indeed than Andrew Of The Golden Locks," Biehlke said, "who carried the Egg Whisk Of Nandumauër to victory through 18 consecutive breakfast specials."

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