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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Enchanted Spatula Can Only Be Used To Flip Food By One Who Is Pure In Thought And Deed

SOUTHFIELD, MI—Management at Grandma's Family Restaurant in Southfield is still awaiting the arrival of The Foretold One, the short-order cook who is capable of wielding the magnificent Spatula Of Zär, it was reported Monday.

The legendary Spatula Of Zär, whose rightful master has yet to arrive.

"Such a cook must be powerful indeed to wield the Spatula," assistant manager Doug Biehlke said. "Our runes of prophesy dictate that the One is nigh... and will use the Spatula to deliver unto us delicious omelets, hash browns, pancakes and cheeseburgers, at last."

According to legend, the Spatula was forged in a secret ceremony by the elder chefs of Grandma's in 1988. Ever since, it has hung, impossible to move, on an aluminum hook in the restaurant's kitchen, where management believes it will remain until its True Master is found.

"Many have tried in arrogance to lift the Spatula from its hook, to possess its unspeakable power and beauty, to be glorified and elevated to the status of lead short-order cook," Biehlke said. "They sought not to toast buns, but rather to seize greatness for themselves—and a hard lesson did they learn."

To date, some 400 individuals have been maimed in attempts to hoist the mythical food-flipping utensil.

"When one whose heart is less than pure seeks union with the all-good and all-seeing Spatula Of Zär, it lashes out and marks them forever," said dishwasher Roy Nussmayer, who has witnessed dozens of Spatula-induced soul-searings in his three years as second-shift grill cook at the suburban Detroit eatery. "It is a cruel penalty for what is often no greater a crime than being made merely human. But lo, such harshness is necessary, lest the Spatula fall into the hands of evil short-order cooks who grill their chicken patties with great malice and would seek the Spatula for their own nefarious doings."

Despite the fact that 11 years have passed with no sign of the Foretold One, Biehlke remains confident that the chosen short-order cook will soon arrive.

"The runes of prophecy are clear," Biehlke said. "They indicate that in the darkest of times, when all seems lost to the non-believers and the $4.99 patty-melt special has done poorly, the Foretold One will seize the handle of the Spatula and, holding it aloft, lead us into a Golden Age, a glorious time when competing restaurant chains such as Denny's and Perkins will fall like swatted flies, and countless hungry travelers and friendly locals will pass under the neon sign of Grandma's and fill their bellies happily. The One will rise to become the greatest leader in the history of the food-service industry... Cook of Cooks, Manager of Managers, Lord of Hosts and Hostesses."

"He shall be mightier indeed than Andrew Of The Golden Locks," Biehlke said, "who carried the Egg Whisk Of Nandumauër to victory through 18 consecutive breakfast specials."

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