adBlockCheck

Enchanting Evening Spent With Parents, Friends Of Parents

Top Headlines

Local

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Grandmother Doesn’t Care For New Priest

SPENCERPORT, NY—Voicing criticism of the man’s general demeanor and the hurried pace of his masses, local grandmother and St. Rafael Catholic Church parishioner Patricia Trudel, 72, told reporters Friday she doesn’t care much for the congregation’s new priest.

Mom Brings Home Little Plaque That Says ‘Family’

GAITHERSBURG, MD—Describing how she hung the newly purchased decoration on the living room wall immediately upon returning, sources confirmed Tuesday that area mom Patricia Matheson had brought home a little wooden plaque that says “Family.”

Mentally Unbalanced Man Still Waiting For The Right Trump Comment To Incite Him

HARRISBURG, PA—Explaining that the candidate’s recent inflammatory statements had further stoked his uncontrollable fury but hadn’t quite pushed him over the edge, local resident and mentally unhinged man Peter Scheft told reporters Friday he is still waiting for the exact right comment from Trump that will incite him to action.

No One Really Knows What Dad Was Doing From 1985 To 1988

BOSTON—Unable to recall a single instance in which their father mentioned any details about his early adulthood, the children of local man Alan Murphy confirmed Monday they had no idea what he was doing between the years of 1985 and 1988.

Home Depot Employee Can Tell This Customer’s First Attempt At Pipe Bomb

APPLETON, WI—Shaking his head Monday as the customer selected a length of plastic pipe over a stronger metal alternative and placed it into his shopping cart, local Home Depot sales associate Graham Warner, 57, was reportedly able to tell right away that this was the store patron’s first attempt at making a pipe bomb.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Enchanting Evening Spent With Parents, Friends Of Parents

Brian Hatcher's parents and their esteemed guests, enjoying a moment of revelry and high spirits.
Brian Hatcher's parents and their esteemed guests, enjoying a moment of revelry and high spirits.

LANSDALE, PA—According to delighted reports, 25-year-old Brian Hatcher spent a most exquisite Saturday evening in the enchanting company of not only his parents, Mike, 54, and Diane, 53, but also their dear friends and longtime canasta partners Doug and Trudy Blanchard, both 53.

"I was home for the weekend, and the Blanchards came over for dinner one night," said Hatcher, describing how his family's charming neighbors came calling early Friday evening, bearing a selection of generous gifts that included brownies and exotic ales imported from faraway Canada. "I hadn't seen them in a couple years."

Hatcher

"They looked good," added Hatcher, referring to the regal lady and her dignified husband, respectively clad in a stunning rose-pink tracksuit and a crisp Philadelphia Flyers tee.

After exchanging formal greetings in the Hatchers' mudroom, the guests were ushered to the tastefully appointed dining room table—bedecked with a dazzling, floral-print tablecloth—where they sat in the intimate glow of a nearby halogen floor lamp.

And just as quickly as ceremonious salutations gave way to witty, off-the-cuff repartee, the sumptuous multicourse fare began to be served.

"Mom put out some snacks," said Hatcher, recalling the bounteous tray of premium mixed nuts and an elegant fan of Townhouse crackers set upon the breakfast bar. "Which was good, because I think everyone was getting pretty hungry."

Hatcher's reports indicate that the assorted hors d'oeuvres served to whet the appetites of everyone gathered there, while the enticing aroma of the pièce de résistance, chicken noodle casserole, tickled at their noses.

"I was actually supposed to head out to the Lyric Lounge with my old high school buddy Kevin [Devaney], but he ended up having to work," said Hatcher, pondering the pedestrian night of carousing that would have ensued had fate not intervened and bestowed upon him such a wondrous evening. "Dinner was good. Mr. Blanchard told a bunch of jokes. They looked like they were having a good time."

As the assemblage feasted on the luxurious entrée, all were transported with bliss by the lengthy discourse regarding the Hatcher family's vegetable garden. In a particularly spellbinding monologue, the evening's hostess wowed her audience with an anecdote of good fortune turned sour, detailing how her overly prolific tomato plants bore luscious fruit, but in such devastating quantities that she and her husband soon grew tired of tomatoes and tomato-based dishes.

"I thought about going down to the basement after dinner to watch a movie or something, but they don't have the DVD player set up down there anymore," said Hatcher, acknowledging that he had been unprepared for such lively rapid-fire dialogue, which danced seamlessly between his father's detailed descriptions of their new hot-water heater and Trudy Blanchard's pitch-perfect retellings of that week's bout with fatigue at work. "And I didn't bring my Xbox 360 with me."

After everyone had sated themselves upon a lavish dessert that featured not one, but two of the choicest Turkey Hill ice creams, they retired to the sitting room for a game of Scattergories, whereupon the evening reportedly took a turn toward the bawdy when Doug Blanchard unveiled a delightfully risqué quip about a particular waitress who had recently served him, leaving the entire gathering titillated and dizzily gleeful.

Decorum was eventually restored, however, when Mrs. Hatcher broached the sobering yet engrossing subject of her recent blood work.

Time, as is its wont, seemed to pass swiftly, Hatcher claimed, and before even a soul had noticed, it was nigh on 9:40. At such a late hour, the evening's honored guests declared, with a mixture of satisfaction and reservation, they must "call it a night."

After a succession of farewells and warm embraces, the distinguished couple made their departure, but not without leaving behind them a most pleasing collection of memories for all in attendance to cherish.

"Huh," said Hatcher, still a bit dazed from the evening's overwhelming enchantment, "I think Mrs. Blanchard left her reading glasses here."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close