adBlockCheck

Local

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
End Of Section
  • More News

End-Life Crisis Marked By Extravagant Spending Spree

TOLEDO, OH—Ever since his retirement nearly a decade ago, area resident Oscar Subitzky just hasn't been the same. What began as a single, uncharacteristic extravagance—the payment of $15,000 for a coronary angioplasty to expand his narrowing arterial wall—has given way to a growing number of personal luxuries, from the latest brand-name heart medications to the most advanced palliative care. The unusual developments have led concerned family members to suspect that the once prudent and conservative 74-year-old widower is undergoing an acute end-life crisis.

Family members say Subitzky's expensive "impulse purchases" aren't making him any younger.

"Sure, the operation seemed a little indulgent at first, but we could tell it was really important to Dad, so we didn't try to stop him from having it," said daughter Martha Welsch, 46, who can still remember when her father didn't need "pricey doodads" like defibrillators and cardiopulmonary-resuscitation devices to be content. "We all thought this was going to be a one-time thing, that it was just something Dad had to get out of his system, and then things would go back to normal," she said.

"Unfortunately, one surgery quickly became two surgeries, which soon turned into three surgeries," Welsch added. "That's when we realized the whole thing was a lot more serious than Dad just wanting to get a clogged artery cleared."

Subitzky's end-life crisis began when he suddenly left a secure job as an accountant at the age of 65. Welsch admitted she didn't quite understand what had come over Subitzky until he announced six months after his retirement that he had started seeing a cardiologist nearly half his age.

"You hear those stories about men in their late 60s all of a sudden coming home with an expensive new pacemaker or deciding to get work done on their kidneys out of the blue, but Dad just never seemed like the type," Welsch said. "If he honestly thinks that spending thousands of dollars on blood transfusions is going to change the way he feels inside, I'm afraid he's got another think coming."

Lately, Welsch said, between "all those fancy new breathing tubes he now wears," and the company of a new live-in nurse only a few years older than some of his grandchildren, she sometimes doesn't recognize her father.

"What's he going to do next, gallivant off to some $10,000-a-day, all-inclusive hospice?" she wondered.

In addition to throwing money around "like there's no tomorrow," as Welsch puts it, Subitzky has also reportedly grown obsessed with his appearance, examining his body for lumps, bruises, or signs of congested veins dozens of times a day. According to son Patrick Subitzky, 39, who admits to being a little embarrassed by his father's newfound vanity, the older man's obsession with his looks has also resulted in a "ridiculous new diet" of only dark-green leafy vegetables, fruits high in citric acid, whole-grain cereals, and absolutely no meat or dairy products.

"I love him and everything, but I don't know who my father thinks he is anymore," said Subitzky, who cringes every time his elderly father speeds around town in that "loud and flashy" ambulance. "He's even talking about a trip to Denver to see some heart specialist there. Whatever happened to the Oscar Subitzky who hated to travel?"

According to psychologist Elizabeth Schulz, who specializes in mortality-identity issues, an end-life crisis is an emotional state of fear and anxiety that often affects men and women between the ages of 65 and 100, and is usually sparked by the uncomfortable realization that one's time on earth is limited.

"Individuals in the middle of an end-life crisis are usually easy to spot, as they tend to foolishly acquire big-ticket items such as liver transplants to compensate for feelings of growing inadequacy," said Schulz, who in the past several years has observed increasing numbers of clients suffering from the common disorder wheeling themselves into her office. "While these shortsighted material purchases will often work at first, leaving the individual feeling rejuvenated and even energized, in the long term they have very little effect."

More from this section

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close