adBlockCheck

Recent News

‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
End Of Section
  • More News

End Of Last Meals For Death Row Inmates Could Decimate Texas Restaurant Industry

AUSTIN, TX—Texas restaurant owners voiced concerns Friday over the recent decision of state prison officials to end last meals for death row inmates, claiming the ban would decimate a substantial portion of their industry's revenues. "How are dining establishments in this state supposed to stay afloat without their key customer base?" said Borboa's BBQ proprietor Tobey Barker, explaining that the Texas Department of Criminal Justice's food orders for those about to be executed accounted for 75 percent of restaurant business in the state. "Our places get a little bit of walk-in traffic on weekends, but let's face it, we're in the business of catering meals for individuals who will be dead in the morning." While the ban remains in effect, experts have predicted it is likely to be reversed once the decline in demand for sirloin steaks begins to draw ire from the formidable Texas beef lobby.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close