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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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End Of Last Meals For Death Row Inmates Could Decimate Texas Restaurant Industry

AUSTIN, TX—Texas restaurant owners voiced concerns Friday over the recent decision of state prison officials to end last meals for death row inmates, claiming the ban would decimate a substantial portion of their industry's revenues. "How are dining establishments in this state supposed to stay afloat without their key customer base?" said Borboa's BBQ proprietor Tobey Barker, explaining that the Texas Department of Criminal Justice's food orders for those about to be executed accounted for 75 percent of restaurant business in the state. "Our places get a little bit of walk-in traffic on weekends, but let's face it, we're in the business of catering meals for individuals who will be dead in the morning." While the ban remains in effect, experts have predicted it is likely to be reversed once the decline in demand for sirloin steaks begins to draw ire from the formidable Texas beef lobby.

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